Made For TV: Rebel Radio (2012)

“Make a scene, Make a scene nobody can ignore! Don’t knock it till you rock it. We can’t take it no more! Shake it up, shake it up!”

Disney really blew their load with Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez. It seems that now they are unable to find worthy replacements now that those two have grown out of the preteen Disney module. Their best bet is China Anne McClain of A.N.T. Farm, but for some unknown reason they are painfully focused on Debby Ryan.

Ryan currently stars in the Disney Channel’s Jessie, in which she plays a Texan teen who has moved to New York and become a nanny for some rich kids in a pent house. Her show is no Wizards of Waverly Place, and her made for TV movie Radio Rebel is no Lemonade Mouth. I thought Disney had learned their lesson when their last teen rebellion movie failed to launch the careers of Bridgit Mendler and Hayley Kiyoko, but I guess Lemonade Mouth‘s success was to hard to ignore.

Radio Rebel follows Ryan as an anonymous podcaster who inspires teenagers to be themselves by dancing in parking lots during their school lunch break. For some reason these “acts of rebellion” piss off the school’s principal, which manages to turn Radio Rebel into a national hit. This watered down version of the 1990 Christan Slater film Pump Up the Volume is neither entertaining or rebellious, and it’s hard to believe that even teens cared about this bore-fest. At least Lemonade Mouth has good music and taught me the word “determinate.” Radio Rebel has Morp — Prom spelled backwards. I guess that spelling things backwards is a sign that your writing team sucks… “Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards! ”

I expect my Disney Channel made-for-tv movies to reduce me to tears and refill my iPod with bad music. Radio Rebel accomplished none of these things. It didn’t lift my spirits, it gave no wind beneath my wings. It was a farce!

Maybe I’m out of touch with teen girls, or maybe I should be touching more, but is high school really this hard? I’m not even sure what the kids in Radio Rebel are rebelling against! Actually I’m not even sure what Christan Slater was rebelling against. Kids are stupid. You’re stupid for reading this review.

At least ABC Family’s Cyberbully made sense. Those high schoolers were mean. I would’ve killed myself too, and I can handle child proof caps.

Tarf is Fart spelled backwards.

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