Ghost Rider‘s bike may define him and Batman’s Batmobile is definitely iconic, but most of the other superheroes don’t have such memorable vehicles. This, however, has not stopped Hollywood from introducing some of the dumbest superhero vehicles of all time to movie screens. Some of the vehicles on this list have been plucked off the pages of the comics, and some have been created solely for the big-screen adaptations, but all of them have one thing in common… they suck! The X-Men’s blackbird is an easy way to get the entire team from point A to point B, but it’s just a stupid plane. The Fantasticar not only has a dumb name, it also carries a dumb team. Spawn isn’t Steve McQueen, so why is he riding a motorcycle?
This list was harder to put together than I thought it would be. There were almost zero resources and no help from our Facebook friends. If I missed anything painfully obvious please let me know in the comments section.
10. Fantasticar – Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)
The Fantastic Four are one of the most outdated and boring comic book teams still hanging around, and they should’ve never made the leap to the big screen. No one asked for a Fantastic Four sequel, and no one was clamoring to see the Fantasticar in real life. Why is the Fantasticar stupid? It’s called the Fantasticar, but it’s not a car. It splits into four pieces (3 in the movie) for no apparent reason. Did I mention it’s called the Fantasticar?
9. Blackbird – X-Men (2000)
The poor X-Men… Not only did they get their costumes from the local Honda motorcycle shop, but they also have a boring plane. At least the Fantasticar splits into four pieces, the Blackbird is just an outdated jet. The Blackbird might be okay for comics, but it’s absolutely boring on the big screen.
8. Owlship – Watchmen (2009)
I always considered Nite Owl to be a parody of superheroes who felt the need to costume themselves as humanoid bugs or bats. He wasn’t supposed to be cool, and neither was his Owlship. Unlike most of the movies on this list, Watchmen is an example of a comic book movie done right, perhaps one of the best superhero movies ever made. But that doesn’t make a ship shaped like a bird head any cooler.
7. Pterodactyl Hang glider – Yor – The Hunter From the Future (1983)
I’m going to ignore the fact that Yor is not based on a comic book because:
a) A top 9 list is silly and it was too hard to come up with 10 dumb vehicles.
b) A pterodactyl hang glider is too awesome to pass up.
There were a lot of sword and sorcery movies in the 80s, some great and some awful. Yor was the latter, but nothing can top his improvised hang glider made out of the carcass of a dead pterodactyl. Maybe this should be on a best movie vehicle list, not the worst.
6. Freeze Mobile – Batman & Robin (1997)
Joel Shumacher’s abortion gave us the infamous bat nipples and bat credit card, and as a result of those atrocities, it’s easy to overook Mr. Freeze’s Freeze Mobile. However, this is exactly the kind of vehicle I was thinking of when I came up with the idea to compile this list. Product placement gone mad, and cars that resemble their owner’s powers.
Erin Brockovich needs to check Gotham’s water supply because all the residents seem to have some sort of weird OCD/autism thing going on. The multiple bat vehicles are bad enough, we don’t need a Joker-mobile, Cat Lady car and two-tone Two Face scooter. Plus aren’t there any broke-ass villains who are forced to drive some beat up jalopy? Not everyone is a millionaire like Bruce Wayne.
5. Spawn’s 1995 Honda CBR 600 – Spawn (1997)
It’s no secret that the Spawn film ranks as one of the worst comic book movies in history, and his alien booger bike is a good example as to why that is. I can’t remember if this movie looked good in the 90s, but it sure didn’t hold up. The Spawn motorcycle chase scene is not only one of the worst car chases in movie history, but it also involves one of the lamest superhero vehicles ever.
4. Captain America Motorcycle – Captain America (1979, Made for TV)
I don’t remember any great story lines involving Captain America and a bike, but Marvel still insists he rides one in every movie. Leave the car chases to Vin Diesel, and fighting bad guys to the superheroes. Comic book movies don’t need car chases to make them exciting, especially when they’re riding this kind of fuckery.
3. Surf Board – Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)
People have a lot of nerve complaining about the working conditions at Foxxconn when Silver Surfer is forced to fly around the universe on a surf board. No wonder why he is so whiney, his back must be killing him.
They must do A LOT of surfing on the planet Zenn-La for Galactus and Norrin Radd to come up with this shit, because a surfboard is the last thing I would be thinking about when striking a deal with the devourer of worlds. I guess Silver Surfer should be happy, the other Galactus’ heralds got zilch to fly around on, but that still doesn’t save him from having one of the useless modes of transportation in comic book history.
2. Giant Duck – Batman Returns (1992)
While Erin Brockovich is checking the Gotham water supply she really needs to check what kind of shit the Penguin is swimming around in. At least Mr. Freeze’s Freeze Mobile makes sense. This guy is riding around on a motha-fucking-duck.
If he’s a penguin, why is he riding a duck? I’m not Matt Damon and I didn’t buy a zoo, but I’m pretty sure ducks and penguins don’t have too much in common. I guess they both like the water and have hockey teams named after them, but that doesn’t seem to warrant making a duck car.
1. Every Bat Snowmobile From Batman & Robin (1997)
Surprise, surprise! The worst comic book movie in history delivered the worst comic book vehicles in movie history. The Batman and Robin Batsleds? I can’t imagine why Batman decided to even create one batsled, but two? Robin couldn’t ride shotgun in the rare chance they would have to drive on ice? Are winters that bad in Gotham that the Dark Knight needed bat snowmobiles to get around?