Trailer Review: Battleship (2012)

Looks like someone’s about to sink my battleshrimp.  I remember hearing about this movie somewhere a little while ago but not paying any mind to it. Of course, my first thought (like anyone else) was that it was obviously related to the 1931 Milton Bradley pencil and paper game “Broadsides, the Game of Naval Strategy,” which later became our favorite Battleship board game in the 60’s, but I quickly pushed that idea out of my head, because, how could you possibly make a movie about the game Battleship??

Well, I was wrong. They did. Within the first 20 seconds the trailer lets you know it’s “from Hasbro, the company that bought you TRANSFORMERS,” to quell any anxiety you may have had about the film’s origin. Maybe it’s a marketing ploy to get people to see the movie because, like I said, how can you make an engaging film about guessing points on a grid? Wouldn’t that be like making a movie about frying empanadas? Actually, that sounds amazing. I could be wrong about everything.

I’m not against board game movies. Clue was amazing, but the film actually dealt with a game that had a story. Battleship is one dimensional, you guess squares and blow up ships. It could be a fun action film, but I’m not entirely sure why they’re adding transformers and aliens into the mix. It feels like little more than an excuse to take brand recognition and use it to draw attention to yet another shit-blowing-up-in-your-face fest. Maybe Hasbro has their fingers crossed that a movie will bring more players to the game. But the number of kids who want to play Battleshrimp after seeing Battleship will probably be on par with the number who picked up their first comic book after seeing a comic book movie. Four. Four people.

In the end, this trailer just leaves me feeling confused. It’s like Battleship wants to be Battle: Los Angeles and Transformers: Dark Of The Moon. Or a weird love child of the two. Who knows. In any world, I wouldn’t want to see the deformed creature those two meth addled parents create. But then again, Battleship has got Rihanna in it. And neither of those movies had that.

You sunk my battleshrimp!

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