Movie Review: Wrath of the Titans

Some unknown force did not want me to see Wrath of the Titans. Not only did I get diarrhea while preparing to go to the movies, the toilet overflowed, spilling poo water all over the floor.  While that may have been too much for the average joe, I wasn’t going to let lake doo-doo stop me.

So when I finally arrived at the theater I bought two tickets, one for Wrath of the Titans at 2:00 and one for Jeff, Who Lives at Home at 5:25. I assumed I was in the clear. Yet as soon as the usher handed me my tickets, my glasses exploded! The screw popped out, never to be found, and my right  lens fell to the floor. It was like the Twilight Zone episode Time Enough at Last.

I know reviews where the reviewer talks about themselves are annoying, but I just had to share this story. Plus there is no reason for you to be reading a Wrath of the Titans review. If you’re on the fence about this movie and are seeking justification to see it or skip it, here is a quick guide to help you:

Do you have nothing better to do, two hours to kill, AND $20 to blow?

Have you seen all the Scorpion King movies?

Did you enjoy The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior?

Do you like cyclopes?

Do you want to see The Hunger Games again, or Mirror Mirror?

If you answered “yes” to the first four questions and “no” to the last question then you should see Wrath of the Titans. If you’re still on the fence, then you should probably do something more productive like take a walk, or file your taxes… I’ll save you even more time if you’re  considering skipping Wrath of the Titans to see Jeff, Who Lives at Home. Don’t! It blows!

My Official Wrath of the Titans Review… but not really! WARNING: I just ramble about Hollywood.

I  love how every year Summer keeps pushing its way into Spring. Studios keep slipping summer popcorn flicks into May, April, and now March. If it were up to Hollywood, summer would take place from February to September.

Wrath of the Titans would have been the perfect movie to kick off the summer movie season, so I’m not entirely sure why it got dumped into the March releases. They could’ve at least released it in April,  the usual month Hollywood  dumps the crap they don’t know what to do with. That way it would’ve been the movie that reminds us that the parade of summer  blockbusters is coming (kind of like what Fast Five did last year). Movies like Fast Five and Wrath are necessary to remind people that an over-the-top pointless $150 million flick can be entertaining, sometimes. It gives people hope that Men in Black III will actually be worth seeing. This year’s pre-summer warm up it the Titanic 3D and Safe. Things are looking grim!

The best part about Wrath is that it doesn’t get bogged down with pointless action scenes, fluff and too many new characters. I know two-hours compared to two-hours and 17 minutes doesn’t seem like much, but those 17 minutes can be  torture when watching this type of movie.  A sequel is not an iPhone. It doesn’t have to have more features to make it worth seeing. However, Hollywood insists that blockbuster sequels need more characters, more action and more useless subplots. Here’s looking at you Michael Bay! Two-hours and 34-fucking minutes for Transformers: Dark of the Moon!!! I’m glad I saved my money and sanity.

Simply put, Wrath of the Titans has an opening fight scene with a two-headed dog, the cyclopes scene and an ending fight scene. Zeus and Hades add much needed comic relief, the plot isn’t bogged down with too many new dumb characters… And before you know it the movie is over and you’re left wondering what to do with the rest of your day.

This is the first blockbuster movie where I enjoyed the CGI. I thought the cyclopes were great (wish there were more of them), and I urge you to pay the extra few bucks to see this in 3D. You don’t want to see Perseus  flying around on a horse in 2D.

Wrath of the Titans isn’t the type of movie worth discussing. It’s the type of movie you see because there is nothing else to do. I only recommend it because I didn’t walk out and afterwards I didn’t feel like doing nothing was a better alternative to seeing this film.

Or maybe I just enjoyed it because I had no glasses and couldn’t see. Who the fuck knows!

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