I’m not the type of person to declare anything as the “best” or “worst” of whatever. I’m too fickle, too forgiving, and too forgetful to even remember why I cared about something in the first place. But, I think, for the first time in my life (and I even remember walking out of the theater when watching Ultraviolet many years ago,) I’ve found that something which is truly the worst thing to ever exist.
I’m not sure what the hell happened to me. I know I was sitting, on a couch, and staring at a screen for an hour. I know I laughed, uncomfortably, and I know there was a lot of cringing. What I do not know, and perhaps never want to know, is what the hell was going on. Tokyo Fish Attack doesn’t sound like the type of movie you would ever think about (and trust me, I regret doing so), but it somehow grew legs and crawled right into my brain (I hate myself for saying that) and now I feel compelled to warn everyone.
The premise should have been simple. Fish. Attack. Tokyo. While it may seem improbable, perhaps theres a Tsunami (I hear that happens sometimes, usually in Japan) a flood, or hell, maybe they even naturally grow legs. Mayhem ensues, fish eat people, movie ends. Fantastic. Not Tokyo Fish Attack. Now, before I get into any further detail, I know the movie was loosely based on a Manga, which I haven’t read, titled Gyo by Junji Ito. While I find it unlikely, the comic may have delved a little deeper into the explanation of the walking fish, and maybe been a little more coherent than its film counterpart. So I wouldn’t entirely write off, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The film itself is hard to write about. The premise is bizarre and not clearly thought out, the characters are annoying, under-developed, and oversimplified, and the animation was choppy and poorly executed. Because of this, we’ve decided to try a new approach in describing the experience of viewing this film, since, it’s pretty hard to talk about without actually showing you. So enjoy.
So the film starts out with some pretty uninteresting characters. Someone’s whining, no one cares, the end. The most interesting part of the beginning of the film is how one character’s face keeps changing. His eyes move around, and for some reason his chin grows. His face is constantly in flux, a heavy statement about how inconsequential our physical being actually is. Wait, no. It’s just bad animation.
Out of nowhere, millions of fish run out of the ocean with robot legs attached to them. Allegedly the fish smelled pretty bad.
What I found the most confusing about these robot fish is, later in the movie, some crazy person explains that scientists made robot legs for fish who had a lot of gas. Apparently, the gas made them unable to move, so legs, not fins, were the best way to get the really gassy fish mobile in the water again.
I wish someone would build me robot legs when I get really gassy.
Unfortunately, the boat transporting the robot parts (which only carried a few hundred robot legs in its cargo), sunk and was never seen from again. Somehow, the fish figured out how to build more legs for themselves, in varying sizes and shapes. I guess fish are smarter than you think.
Some fish were so gassy they floated.
Some fish with legs got even more legs.
But things got real scary when sharks got legs. You see, we find out that all the fish are dead and just full of fart gas that makes the legs move. The most surprising thing is that dead fart fish can bite and chase you and think about things.
Planes couldnt even land anymore because there were too many fish. Cars couldn’t drive either. It was absolute chaos.
Now, after the fish are running around, we find out if one walks on you, you get infected with the fart gas too!
You get big and fat and you just cant stop farting.
Turns out, that after a while you blow up from all the farts. So, after a while all the fish begin to go away. Now, people who are infected keep farting and the legs, which can sense the farts, attach themselves to people and now people have legs too!
The legs even plug into you so they can use your farts to power how the legs move.
Good thing they had the internet to help them figure this all out.
They even poked the internet a few times to get some answers.
Now some circus guy comes and lets us know that the gas is actually from another dimension. We never find out how it got it, why it’s here, what it’s doing or where it’s going. All we know is, the movie ends with fart people walking around in every city. The end.
Don’t be fooled. I’m sure this post might make you think this movie is fun to watch or “funny” or something. Well, it’s not. Don’t make the mistake I made. But, if you’re still curious, watch the trailer and see for yourself: