Movie Review: Age Of The Hobbits/Clash Of The Empires (2012, Dir. Joseph J. Lawson)

Age of the Hobbits / Clash of the Empires

Hollywood is like an old memaw, always feeling threatened by new technology, and accusing everyone of stealing from them. So they do the only thing they know how to: threaten to sue everyone and cry to politicians. That’s why Asylum had to change the title of their mock-buster Age of the Hobbits to Clash of the Empires. Hollywood claims they’re just safeguarding their creative properties, you know, like the 400th Snow White film they released last year. But I think they’re just afraid of the wonderful job the foreign midgets did in this film. If these upstart actors invaded Hollywood, Tom Cruise and other big Hollywood stars would be out of a job before you could say “Scientology”.

Age of the Hobbits is an Asylum masterpiece starring Christopher Judge and Bai Ling. The entire movie is dubbed because Judge is the only actor who can speak English. I think Ling attempts to speak  at some point, but I couldn’t really tell what language it was supposed to be. In case you were wondering, she does keep her freakishly long nipples covered for the entire film.

I’m not sure what country Age of the Hobbits was shot in, but it’s full of foreign little people who play the Hobbits, or in this case ‘Tree People’. There is even a little person playing a Gollem inspired character. The best part of the movie is watching the extras play the ‘Rock People’. The Rock People are supposed to be a mean race who eat the Tree People, but they’re always grinning in the background because they obviously never been in an American movie before.

Age of the Hobbits is basically an hour of Judge and Ling chasing little people through a jungle. There are also a  lot of Syfy Channel-esque CGI monsters. There are lizard monsters that look like they were left over from Grimm’s Snow White, lizard monsters that fly, and two giant spiders who catch people with tree roots. That’s pretty impressive for an Asylum film. I think one of the better Asylum entries, The Lost Future, only had one CGI monster in the first five minutes.

This movie is only for people who like to torture themselves with grade-Z garbage, or have been smoking pot. If you fall into one of these categories then I urge you to give it a try. You might be amazed at how hypnotizing dubbed midgets can be.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

From Around The Web: