I almost constantly find myself discussing film with my dear friend George. Often these conversations shift to us debating what we believe to be perfect films. Over the years our opinions have changed and even differed. For a quick example, and a very high one on that list of our bickering catalysts, is the whole Han shoots first thing. He is wrong, and is clearly an asshole.
This article is not supposed to be about that though, so let me stay on track here. This is about where we do see completely eye to eye. A perfect film does exist, and its fucking name is Reign of Fire!
Don’t ask me how a useless director like Rob Bowman was able to pull this off. Somewhere between a horrible X-Files (1998) film and the unwatchable Elektra (2005), Bowman created cinematic perfection. I guess even a blind man swinging at a piñata has to nail a hit sooner or later. And thank the Lord above that this visionless director kept on a-swingin’.
If you haven’t seen Reign of Fire, you’re a cunt. If you don’t like Reign of Fire, you’re a cunt. If you say anything bad about Reign of Fire, you’re a cunt, and I’ll stomp on your face. You want a synopsis of this film? Dragons. Wasteland. Battle-axe toting Matthew McConaughey. What the fuck else do you want.
There is a moment in this film which contains the single greatest performance by any actor/actress ever given. McConaughey is about to leap from a tower in a last ditch effort to kill the lead dragon, and just before he leaps, there is a look of madness and complete clarity in his eyes. It is so pure and honest, and I truly believe it will never be topped by any other performer. Ever! He is so fucking man, that even my own prick is brimming with ball juice just watching him. If I had a pussy, it’d be quivering, and upon the film’s end I would break the pulse setting on my shower nozzle.
This film also has a wonderful Star Wars reference that I feel would be utilized in a real post-apocalyptic world. George especially loves this too. I mean, come on, if you were a survivor and were able to get an encampment of other survivors together, you’d so do this too: act out Star Wars like it was a play that you wrote for all the children that are too young to know any better.
The one and only thin plot device in this entire film is that there is only one male dragon, so if they kill it, the dragon race dies off eventually. Oh, spoiler alert, by the way. Well, fuck you if you haven’t seen this yet. All the kick-ass that is McConaughey makes up for any problems you think there are with this film. And as I suggested earlier, if you say anything bad about Reign of Fire, you’re a cunt! Also a pre-Batman Christian Bale and pre-300 Gerard Butler are fun to watch. Even if McConaughey would beat their asses.
There is one other legitimate reason to see this film. It offers you the one and only chance to see Rob Bowman achieve “coolness”. If any of you lady readers get that reference I will eat your pussy like I am God eating a key lime pie. I may be married, but you can hold me to it.
So if you haven’t seen it, do so now, or you are not the film buff you thought you were. You’re just a pretentious bag of smashed assholes. If you have seen it, then you clearly know why you need to see it again. Because it fucking rules!