Maybe you like to take LSD and/or you hate yourself. Those are the primary reasons why you would watch The Great Gatsby (2013) this weekend.
If the dozens of well-written reviews about the movie’s flaws don’t convince you not to see the film, then maybe reading an article written by someone who has not even seen the trailer, and in fact, has only gleaned enough information about the film such as “starring the guy from Inception, Academy Award Winning pouty-baby-hair-face and directed by the hooker-circus leader of Moulin Rouge (depicted below)” will do the trick…
Don’t see The Great Gatsby this weekend. You should have already read the book by now anyway. Haven’t read the book? Jump on the bandwagon, read it now, and buy the vintage cover printed on a t-shirt, to show everyone how great you are. Just like Gatsby.
Read the book already? Read it again, this time in Long Island. Go to Port Washington, wherever the hell the Eggs are. Find the Eggs.
Watch these period movies instead. You’ll have a great time. Or you won’t, because you hate yourself anyway, and/or are on LSD and looked into the mirror.
This movie won a lot of awards. Maybe it didn’t deserve them, but it’s the closest thing to Gatsby that we’ve got. Other than The Great Gatsby, starring Robert Redford. I guess that’s the closest.
If you like period movies that touch on the Jazzy 20′s, the Dirty 30′s and the blorty 40′s, see Chicago. It’s got a pouty blond and a lot of good songs. And Richard Gere. And murder, just like The Great Gatsby (spoiler alert).
2) GANGSTER SQUAD
Did anyone see this movie? I don’t know. But you can this weekend, instead of The Great Gatsby.
It looks like a period movie, complete with Tommy guns and American gangster indulgence. It’s got Ryan Gosling in it. And a pouty red head. Watch Gangster Squad. It’ll kill two hours of your life, similar to what you’re already doing to your liver, but with sex appeal.
3) WHAT’S EATING GILBERT GRAPE
Maybe you’re more into DiCaprio than period pieces. Maybe you’re into both. I think this movie is both.
It is definitely DiCaprio at his finest (as in fiiiiiiine, *fingersnap*), and the acting is OK too. Film also features a pouty brunette who is famous for his roles as a chocolatier pirate.
A film that is period before it was cool to do period. Period.
Casablanca is an excellent film, and could really be recommended to watch in the stead of any movie. It’s full of action, drama and excellent acting that you just won’t get in The Great Gatsby. It also takes place in a locale way cooler than Long Island (not a tough feat), so even that’s a good enough reason to see it, in spite of its endless awards and accolades.
5) DUCK TALES: THE MOVIE, TREASURE OF THE LOST LAMP
This film stars the inspiration for Jay Gatsby himself, Scrooge McDuck, and his casting does not disappoint. McDuck’s performance is the perfect blend of debonair and diabolical, leading us into the complicated world of the protagonist/anti-hero.
Duck Tales is a tour du force. Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes: it’s a duck blur. Complete with piles of money, decadence and waterfalls of Cristale, the endless thirst for wealth and power in Duck Tales: The Movie – Treasure of the Lost Lamp, will leave you nauseous at the waste of American capitalism and exploitation. To quote the closing credits theme: It’s a Duck WHIRL.