“You’re The Best Around. Nothing’s Ever Gonna Keep You Down.”
– Joe Esposito, ‘You’re The Best Around’

It’s 2014! And while every fucking idiot in the world is crying about how awesome Big Dick Wall Street is, I have to write some fucking article about what the best movies I saw this year was. Now, I’ll be honest, I don’t get out much, and frankly, that’s how I like it. Fucking retards go to the theaters because little kids use their flip phones and babies are crying everywhere and it’s taxing when you’re trying to figure out what Optimus is telling Shia.

So I decided to compile the top 10 movies I saw this year. I’m not counting porn, as to not show favoritism to a genre. I’m also not counting movies I didn’t see. So here you go…


10) NIGHTS OF LIGHTS (Dir. Malcolm Malkus)

An experimental film about the liberation of Egypt, directed by Malcolm Malkus, Nights of Lights won the St. Petersburg Experimental Film Festival for a reason. Hot off of his last feature, the enigmatic rally cry against VHS culture entitled Nigger Ocean 2, Malkus really presses the limits of filmmaking by telling this emotionally trainwrecking tale of the internet and how it affected Egypt. With a surprisingly great Billy Drago as the President of Egypt and Valeria Golino as the personification of the internet, the film bravely decides to show all dialogue through chatroom bubble, and features sporadic shots from a flying cats point of view, often covered in mud and dust while kaleidoscopic lens survey the iconic landscapes of Egypt. The film has yet to receive distribution, but expect the film to find its way onto torrent sites and independent video hosting services in the next 5 years or so.

12 YEARS A SLAVE (Dir. Steve McQueen)

9) 12 YEARS A SLAVE (Dir. Steve McQueen)

Starring Josh Brolin as Solomon Northrup, 12 Years a Slave is pretty fucking nuts. Deceiving the audience by having the slave held for 20 years instead of 12, Steve McQueen goes to intense places, filling in slick, asian-influenced visuals instead of portraying traditional slavery as we all know it. Sharlto Copley plays Calvin Candie, the evil slave owner who steals Northrup and makes him fuck his daughter, played by Elizabeth Olsen. Michael Imperioli plays the good slave owner, who also owns a bar and uses Google. McQueen made one hell of a slave movie by doing everything you wouldn’t expect, and you should see it.

PAIN & GAIN (Dir. Michael Bay)

8) PAIN & GAIN (Dir. Michael Bay)

The story of three fucking bros who are awesome and don’t give a fuck, Pain & Gain tells you about what’s important in life. Fucking immigrants. Big cash. Muscles. Attempted murder. It’s literally the best movie ever made. I don’t know why stupid fucking Mark Wahlberg would make a soldier movie after doing this. Retire already. It’s the greatest movie in the world and it should run for president. I’d vote for it.

IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS (Dir. John Carpenter)

7) IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS (Dir. John Carpenter) 

I can’t believe I’ve never made this movie. Jurassic Park Dude stumbles upon H.P. Lovecraft’s house, but guess what? It doesn’t really exists. Viggo the Carpathian shows up to be Bill Faggerbakke, and Charlton Heston competes with director John Carpenter with who can be the oldest person on set. Also, David FUCKING Warner. Why haven’t you seen this movie yet? It’s also got a double dream scare.

PRISONERS (Dir. Denis Villeneuve)

6) PRISONERS (Dir. Denis Villeneuve)

A fucking crazy movie about children getting stolen and shit; it’s a well cast and intense story about justice beyond the justice system and the frustration in finding missing children. There’s other subplots and red herrings, but it’s still really good. I bet you’ll like it.

BIG BAD WOLVES (Dir. Navot Papushado, Aharon Keshales)

5) BIG BAD WOLVES (Dir. Navot Papushado, Aharon Keshales)

Prisoners with Jews.

HOT DEAD END (Dir. Edgar Wright)

4) HOT DEAD END (Dir. Edgar Wright)

The Cornetto Brothers go bananas in this movie about drinking. The Cornetto Brothers go Bar Hopping (typical Cornetto Brothers) and then get into a little tiff with the Blue Man Group. Pierce Brosnan shows up for some wicked wackiness as well. It’s the perfect ending to the Cornetto Brother’s “Right/Peg/Frost” trilogy of hockey comedies, and even better, it’s filmed in British.

SPRING BREAKERS (Dir. Harmony Korine)

3) SPRING BREAKERS (Dir. Harmony Korine)

An excuse to watch titties and butts in bikinis and watch James Franco act black. I’d buy that for a dollar.

HER (Dir. Spike Jonez)

2) HER (Dir. Spike Jonez)

In this black comedy, Joaquin Phoenix jams his fleshy cock into a CD-ROM drive until he severs it, then needs to watch a Youtube video to sew it back on. Costarring Scarlett Johannsen, Chris Pratt, Olivia Wildebeast (in the role of WOMEN IN GENERAL) and Amy Muppets, it’s a change of pace for Spike Jones and it’s fucking funny. There’s a whole lotta darkness here, and it says a lot about humanity as a whole when it comes to human relationships and phone sex. If you love sex and people pretending to have it, this is a must see.

CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE (Dir. Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor)

1) CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE (Dir. Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor)

For the fifth year in a row, Crank 2: High Voltage is the best movie ever made. I watch it every day around midnight. The chat show part? THAT’S BRILLIANT. The trainspotter joke? AWESOME. It’s also the most transgressive and unique filmmaking in recent memory. It’s not even a joke. It’s so good. You can’t not love it. It’s even better if you saw Crank, which I unfortunately do not watch anymore. I have a busy schedule.


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