Amos Mortimer’s 2015: The List!

You Won Cannes kicks off their annual end of year coverage to send off 2015 and usher in a new year of exciting content. Thank you to all of our readers for the support we’ve received in 2015, and have a happy new year! Visit the site throughout the week for more top 10 lists like this one from the YWC staff!

Oh me, oh my! It’s been a long time since ol’ Amos has been allowed to write for this otherwise dead website, having promised the editors I wouldn’t even touch my computer keys with my hands until they made a new STAR WARS movie. And now with the new STAR WARS bringing in all the money that could be going to making cinema great again, I can finally recap why 2015 has been the best year in cinema culture period. So unless you’re my ex-wife, sit back, knock back a half-dozen cold ones and get to gettin’, brah…

10) MAX LANDIS MOVIES

After hitting it big with that found footage superhero movie everyone thought was neat, Max Landis wrote AMERICAN ULTRA and VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN, two really good movies that I assume did great at the box office. Extra points to Landis for writing a helicopter into AMERICAN ULTRA, a staple of Landis family cinema.

9) THE WALK (DIR. ROBERT ZEMECKIS)

Another movie in which Joseph Gordon-Levitt fucks up his face on purpose, this pre-9/11 period piece follows the man who attempted to build a road between the roofs of the World Trade Center. Although it’s no MAN ON WIRE, THE WALK used CGI to show that the Twin Towers were actually really up high in the sky, something Sam Raimi’s SPIDER-MAN didn’t even do.

8) BEASTS OF NO NATION

The first Netflix Original film under his 4-movie deal, Adam Sandler has never been funnier as an African Warlord who teaches a little boy the dangers of peer pressure. With a supporting cast of unknowns, Sandler really steals the show, adding “The Commandant” to his roster of unforgettable caricatures, next to “Opera Man” and “Water Friend.”

7) CONCESSION STAND ALTERNATIVES

This year found concession stands changing so that movie theaters don’t have to pay employees while pandering to picky food faggots. That’s right: you have to fill your own soda now, but if you want a pizza or some hummus, Unterfuhrer Regal Cinemas has got you covered. Too bad that it hurts everyday Joe America, who has been writing to Arclight for years to throw out their fucking popcorn machine and bring in the heavy-duty pickle steaming tanks.

6) THE GIFT (DIR. JOEL EDGERTON)

In this movie, Ben Affleck plays a husband who finds out the faggot he bullied in high school (also Ben Affleck) is still alive, and now hosts trivia games. Then Affleck is like, “Hey, you fuck my wife?” It’s top dollar Blumhouse, and steals that thing that P.T. Anderson does where there’s a question everyone wants answered and no one does.

5) UNFRIENDED (DIR. LEVAN GABRIADZE)

THE GIFT inside of a computer.

4) QUENTIN TARANTINO’S HATEFUL EIGHT IN 17MM

Proving that he’s seen more movies than us yet again, Quentin Tarantino decided to film his latest three-hour western on a SEGA Dreamcast and then retrofit theaters around the country to screen it in Ultra 17mm. Even better, halfway through the movie, it fucking stops for ten minutes, and then Quentin Tarantino tells the audience what they missed, like a bad reality show after a commercial. It’s unparalleled cinema, and if you love people using the N-word at gatherings and casual conversations, HATEFUL EIGHT in 17mm is guaranteed to be the movie you’ll love watching with your older relatives.
 

3) CHAPPIE (DIR. NEILL BLOMKAMP)

Just in case you forgot how bad Apartheid was, Neill Blomkamp is here to remind you by making a movie about a robot (played by a CGI Paul Walker) who gets raised by Die Antwoord like some retarded, expensive version of E.T. And while CHAPPIE didn’t exactly set the box office on fire, it was clever of the character to return as Will Smith’s goofy, trying-too-hard accent in CONCUSSION.

2) BILL COSBY

A gentleman first, a comedian second, Bill Cosby made headlines in 2015 for allegedly raping 50 women (a calendar-year record) even after Rolling Stone proved conclusively that women who report rape are attention-seeking liars. And if there’s anything that can be said about the erstwhile star of GHOST DAD’s rapid media attention and subsequent sexual assault conviction, it’s truly exposing the double standard of society, who decides that it’s okay to decry a comedy genius while simultaneously supporting the release of convicted rapist/murderer Steven Avery. Well, Mr. Avery, I’ve got some bad news for you: You Won Cannes stands with Bill.

(Editor’s Note: This is the opinion of Mr. Mortimer and does not reflect the beliefs of the YWC editing staff. I don’t quite understand why he thinks he has the authority to speak for us.)

1) CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE (DIR. NEVELDINE/TAYLOR)

Who saw this coming?! Only every fucking person alive. CRANK 2 is, once again, the best film produced since it’s existence, and if you disagree, we don’t want you. Go somewhere else, preferably where no one can see or hear you. You’re a disgrace. Kill yourself. Kill your whole fucking family and turn the gun on yourself. Periscope it. It’s the only suitable apology that fans of CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE are willing to accept.

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