Oh wow! Another year of YWC is behind us as we look forward to the next one. Will it be any better than this shit show? Who knows! Thank you to all of our readers for the support we’ve received in 2016, and have a happy new year! Keep checking in for the last few weeks of 2016 to see what all the YWC regulars thought of this year’s movies. See you in 2017 for another great year of content!
Great News, Cinemaphiles! The nation came together to tell a grandmother that 50 states worth of grandchildren aren’t going to call her anymore, and that means next year, we all get to die! We fucking went to Vegas, went to the roulette table, bet America on Black, and it landed on the fucking double zero! We fucking elected Caligula, and now, his spoils are our own! HOORAY!
However, we have at least until January 20th before Big Daddy T-Rump drives our infrastructure into the Ghost of the World Trade Center, so I’ve come up with 20 movies to watch before that happens! Yeah! Fuck, Yeah! OUR PRESIDENT HAS A SON NAMED BARRON!!!
20) MY SON, MY SON, WHAT HAVE YE DONE?
It’s got swords, flamingos, a guy who talks during live theater, and Udo Kier! This quirky comedy about a man with a serious mental health crisis will keep you smiling as your soul blackens and consumes you from the inside. You’re tainted meat. YOUR WHOLE BODY, TAINTED!!!
19) THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU
Remember the movie where Bill Murray decided he doesn’t give a fuck about his audience, has no interest in being funny anymore, and we fucking kept worshipping him like a false idol? It takes place in a submarine! That’s funny right? That was worth your time, right?
This hip hop musical about Alexander Hamilton took the nation by storm, and turns out: it’s pretty good. Plus with a largely African-American cast, HAMILTON turns out to have the most progressive casting since the trans rights tearjerker MRS. DOUBTFIRE. LIKE IF YOU LOVE MUSICALS, SHARE IF IT’S ALSO RAP.
17) THE ACCOUNTANT
Recently released murderer Brendan Dassey plays a gun-for-hire in THE ACCOUNTANT, a movie that appears to have been written by Max Landis but made money and was decently respected so turns out it’s not. If you want to see a protagonist with the same amount of empathy as its audience, get your dick dirty and then go see THE ACCOUNTANT.
16) THE MASTER OF DISGUISE
Are you an optimist? Still have that light in your eyes? THE MASTER OF DISGUISE will take care of that, you fucking stupid buttfucker. Dana Carvey is the last true American treasure of comedy. He doesn’t give a fuck. He’ll tape his eyes back and scream, “Moo Goo Gai Pan!” That’s funny to him! Those are jokes and they’re very funny! It’s this same P.C. Culture that elected DJ T-Rump and demonized the falsely accused Dr. Bill Cosby. You Won Cannes still stands with you, Bill!
(Editor’s Note: the opinions expressed by Mr. Mortimer are not those of the You Won Cannes website or editorial staff. Again, we disagree strongly, and do not stand with Bill Cosby.)
15) WHITE DOG
When your neighbors and loved ones say “Make America Great Again,” what they’re really saying is that they want this movie to be real again. They want WHITE DOG to be the movie version of a pop-up book. A real winner for Cat People. Paul Schrader’s Cat People, that is!
14) SPANKING THE MONKEY
Finally, someone took the best part of incest porn and mixed it with a desperately unfunny screenplay that film snobs will tell you is brilliant but is actually a real fucking chore to get through. If you need any more reason to like this movie, remember the time Perpetual Creep David O. Russell ran through a fake door to call Lily Tomlin a cunt.
13) GOD’S NOT DEAD
Look at these stupid assholes, having to tell themselves their marginalized, outdated religion still matters. DON’T YOU HAVE A FUCKING SMARTPHONE, YOU CAVEPEOPLE? If God isn’t dead, we certainly drove him into isolation, what with phones and wifi and marriage between PEOPLE and DOGS. The Supreme Court made it legal! MARRY YOUR DOGS! MAKE IT LICK YOUR PRIVATES SO YOU CAN’T GET AN ANNULMENT!
12) THOSE FUCKING SPRINT COMMERCIALS
The “Can You Hear Me Now?” Guy proves himself to have the moral and ethical compass of “Modern Johnny Appleseed” Gaetan Dugas by throwing shade at a former employer on a national scale. It’s the advertising equivalent of a guy tweeting out a picture of a gun with the caption “Don’t Go To Work Tomorrow,” except not as cool.
11) GREEN ROOM
A club owner is inconvenienced by a punk band that just won’t leave in this laugh-a-minute musical comedy. Also, don’t call the Ghostbusters: Anton Yelchin filmed this movie before his tragic death (or murder? Where was notorious Hollywood Serial Killer John Landis?). Plus: Another recommendation for Cat People! Paul Schrader’s Cat People, that is!
Break out the tissues: this depressing drama about a spiteful woman who breaks up a loving household is gonna bring out the waterworks. Luckily, the movie paints women as crazy as the world has already ordained them to be. It’s the perfect Sunday treat, especially if it’s the last Sunday on Earth because we’re all on the precipice of fucking extinction.
9) PANIC ROOM
Mediocre Actor Jared Leto tries breaking into a house filled with lesbians. If you’re a lesbian and you’re tired of reading subtitles on french films, watch this fucking movie. Also, Jared Leto made this movie before he signed on to play the Die Antwoord version of The Joker, a role that probably should have been left alone after a dude dressed up like him and shot up a movie theater. I mean, fuck, Bane was still available? Or what about The Riddler? Or any character not immediately associated with a real life massacre? PANIC ROOM!
8) SLAM DUNK ERNEST
Suicide can be a really difficult task, but if you need that extra push, you might as well go into that great beyond with your old pal, Ernest P. Worrell. He plays basketball in this one. Rest in Peace Ernest. We’ll see you soon, buddy. I miss you. I try to say goodbye and I choke, I try to walk away and I stumble…
7) THE GREEN INFERNO
“I’m a good person,” Eli Roth tells himself while staring at his bedroom ceiling. “I’m a good person. I make good movies. People like me. People like my movies. Yeah, that’s right. They’re all wrong. I’m the good person, and they’re wrong.”
As I wait patiently for the cold embrace of death, I always look at my Roku and go, “These streaming services are too easy to use! Why can’t this be more difficult and gimmicky?” Then Shudder comes along, giving me blowjob eyes and insisting I pretend I’ll one day watch high-art foreign horror films but instead watch PHANTASM 3 again, if I could ever find the fucking thing.
A harrowing true life story of Christine Chubbuck, who we can only presume killed herself on live television when she learned that there are people who consider Vice to be a legitimate news source and that JACKASS NUMBER TWO is the fourth highest grossing documentary of all time. Turns out Christine had the right idea! Also, if you’re looking for the movie about the killer car, this is that movie, too.
4) CAT PEOPLE (1982)
Finally, a movie about Cat People. Paul Schrader’s Cat People, that is!
3) STRANGER THINGS
Whoa! It’s just like the ‘80s. Don’t you love it? Don’t you love it? Tell me. Tell me you love it. I bet you’d fucking marry it, you punk. Open Your Mouth. Look in the Mirror. You pussy punk motherfucker. STRANGER THINGS is your wife now. It’s in your house, holding your dick and making you write meaningless articles for Bloody-Disgusting. You’ve lost control, and all that’s left is STRANGER THINGS.
2) 9 SONGS
If there’s anything that gives these troubled times any sense of meaning or hope, it’s that Michael Winterbottom once stood behind a camera and watched some dude shoot jism out of his hard cock and convinced film nerds to call it art. Perhaps nothing is ever meant to feel good. Perhaps the world is just an indifferent old man, staring at you with self-satisfaction as you realized that the only way you’re earning your paycheck is if you cum on camera for upper crust film nuts to call art. Congratulations.
1) CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE
Who didn’t see this coming? Once again, CRANK 2 takes home the gold. Best Case Scenario: once the world has been razed and the cannibals have eaten themselves into extinction, aliens will come to America, discover the only remaining Blu-ray of CRANK 2, and decide to genetically revive the human race with the hope that someday, somehow, we’ll ever make art as good as this film again. If this is literally our last Christmas, make sure your stockings are stuffed with CRANK 2. Kill your parents and stuff their dead bodies with copies of CRANK 2. THIS LIST IS A CREEPYPASTA!