Amos Mortimer’s 20 Films To Watch Before The World Ends in 2017

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Oh wow! Another year of YWC is behind us as we look forward to the next one. Will it be any better than this shit show? Who knows! Thank you to all of our readers for the support we’ve received in 2016, and have a happy new year! Keep checking in for the last few weeks of 2016 to see what all the YWC regulars thought of this year’s movies. See you in 2017 for another great year of content!

Great News, Cinemaphiles! The nation came together to tell a grandmother that 50 states worth of grandchildren aren’t going to call her anymore, and that means next year, we all get to die! We fucking went to Vegas, went to the roulette table, bet America on Black, and it landed on the fucking double zero! We fucking elected Caligula, and now, his spoils are our own! HOORAY!

However, we have at least until January 20th before Big Daddy T-Rump drives our infrastructure into the Ghost of the World Trade Center, so I’ve come up with 20 movies to watch before that happens! Yeah! Fuck, Yeah! OUR PRESIDENT HAS A SON NAMED BARRON!!!

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Amos Mortimer’s 2015: The List!

You Won Cannes kicks off their annual end of year coverage to send off 2015 and usher in a new year of exciting content. Thank you to all of our readers for the support we’ve received in 2015, and have a happy new year! Visit the site throughout the week for more top 10 lists like this one from the YWC staff!

Oh me, oh my! It’s been a long time since ol’ Amos has been allowed to write for this otherwise dead website, having promised the editors I wouldn’t even touch my computer keys with my hands until they made a new STAR WARS movie. And now with the new STAR WARS bringing in all the money that could be going to making cinema great again, I can finally recap why 2015 has been the best year in cinema culture period. So unless you’re my ex-wife, sit back, knock back a half-dozen cold ones and get to gettin’, brah…

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Movie Review: Toad Road (2012, Dir. Jason Banker)

Toad Road (2012) Movie Review

I have a confession to make, everybody. When Occupy Wall Street was going on, I happened to side with the people who were against Wall Street. I’m not a fan of banks in general, but those kids had a point. Rich people have always, and will always, suck.

But, I just watched Toad Road and now I don’t know what to believe. I saw these fucking kids time and time again at those goddamn rallies. The same kids that live off credit lines while living out a self-righteous minimalist lifestyle that outsources their cash to drugs and cover charges are the kids that pollute the story of Toad Road. I want to show this movie to the Obama administration, just so that he can make Jason Banker’s film a federal crime against the progression of culture by ruining the namesake of art so badly that it’s offensive.

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BENEDICT OSCARWATCH: AMOS MORTIMER’S TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2013

BENEDICT OSCARWATCH

“You’re The Best Around. Nothing’s Ever Gonna Keep You Down.”
– Joe Esposito, ‘You’re The Best Around’

It’s 2014! And while every fucking idiot in the world is crying about how awesome Big Dick Wall Street is, I have to write some fucking article about what the best movies I saw this year was. Now, I’ll be honest, I don’t get out much, and frankly, that’s how I like it. Fucking retards go to the theaters because little kids use their flip phones and babies are crying everywhere and it’s taxing when you’re trying to figure out what Optimus is telling Shia.

So I decided to compile the top 10 movies I saw this year. I’m not counting porn, as to not show favoritism to a genre. I’m also not counting movies I didn’t see. So here you go…

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Book Of Amos: Amos Reviews The Counselor (2013, Dir. Ridley Scott)

The Counselor (2013) Movie Review

     “Everybody Talks. Everybody Talks. Everybody Talks.”
                                   – Neon Trees, ‘Everybody Talks’

After White People Planet, I was kinda unsure about Ridley Scott. I liked it, don’t get me wrong, since I’ll love anything in the Alien universe, and that especially includes Alien: Resurrection in a genuine, unironic way. But Ridley Scott has definitely been on an increasingly steep slope in terms of his quality. Desert Spies, Gladiator Hood, Scarface 2: The Quickening and A Fucking Movie About a House Renovation?! have all indicated a master who has individual elements of greatness in different films, but has yet to cohesively assemble them as he did in his prime. White People Planet should have been a cakewalk for the auteur, and yet, the work of Damon Lindelof (not Spaihts, whose original script is so much better) didn’t jive with Ridley’s aversion to explore the philosophical ideas that were hinted at. If only he would have made an entire movie of David’s Bicyclesketball.

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Book Of Amos: Just Die Already

"Patriarch" Staring Matt Damon and Peter Fonda

“That’s why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker.”
                                             – Tupac Shakur, ‘Hit Em Up’

Okay, stupid, picture this. You’re at the movies, right? You’re with your significant other or alone or whatever. You sit down, and after twenty midnights of making jokes about casual dads and NYPD cops who kill homeless veterans to get their dicks hard, the lights go down. The completely fucking awesome DCP system starts up and like that, it’s the best time of the day: it’s trailer time.

So you’re sitting there, right? As you shovel whatever fucking shit into your mouth, the first preview starts off, and goes exactly like this…

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Movie Review: Curse Of Chucky (2013, Dir. Don Mancini)

Curse of Chucky Review

“Jones. An Obsession. A Burning Desire. The Undeniable Passion.”
                                                  – Barry White, ‘Basketball Jones’

Let me be rather up front: theoretically speaking, I am inclined to be a Chucky fan. First off, I just fucking hate children. When I see children fall down or get scared by animals in real life, I’m overcome with joy. So for someone who targets children specifically, it’s euphoric to see a doll with Bradley Dorff’s voice show up and get wicked.

Second off, Child’s Play is the best ‘80s horror movie, and that’s a straight up fact. I don’t find pedophiles or retards scary, so that eliminates Sweaterman and Masky Down Syndrome. In fact, I think most retards should wear hockey masks since that would make them less scary when you see them in public. Personally, I think John Landis single-handedly provided the lowest point in ‘80s horror, as he actually filmed people dying and didn’t have the common courtesy to leave it in the final cut. So of course, by process of elimination, Child’s Play is the best.

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“Cronenberg – (n.)”

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“Hate is a Train.”
               – Metallica, ‘Hate Train’

If I were to walk up to you tomorrow, and give you a disc that just said, ‘Movie’, on it, would you watch it? Would you? Even out of some sick, Richard Matheson-esque fucking desire to satiate your curiosity? And what if the movie was really good? Like Event Horizon good? Who would you tell? How would you share it?

Today, a whole bunch of idiots who had secure jobs at Focus Features in New York are getting the hard boot into the gutter of Funemployment. They’ll be in good company, since Paramount is doing the same to a bunch of their people too. Hundreds of people, just suddenly without jobs, because instead of one of their movies making $500 million worldwide, it made $375 million.

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