Why Are They Remaking This?: The Films of 1991

Why Are They Remaking This?: Charles II Takes Hollywood

As Hollywood continues with its inbred strategy, using market testing and the box office performance of their prior productions to dictate what comes next, we keep winding up with less and less creativity. Every time an original film is made, the bank of films in existence increases. Yet the number of remakes and reimaginings seems to be on an upward arc with little sign of slowing, and the bank remains unchanged. A safe, money-making film is developed based on the performance of another safe film, informed by another safe film. Hollywood is the Spanish monarchy, and the bloodline will eventually reach the filmic equivalent of Charles II (“noted for his extensive physical, intellectual, and emotional disabilities—along with his consequent ineffectual rule”), directed by Michael Bay.

So, I’ve tapped into my psychic abilities (which— long story short— I got from lasers beamed out of a satellite, allowing me to see all of time as a pool,) and seen the upcoming slate of remakes over the next decade. Together, Wil Keiper and I are translating the horrors I’ve seen into text. They have cherry-picked the films from the dredges of the 80s and 90s. And we’re going to go through these premonitions year by year… beginning in 1991.

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Peter Jackson Insists On The Hobbit Being Seen In 48fps

I am extremely finicky about movie-watching. My rigid set of ideals about how a movie should be viewed states that the best way to watch a film is in a theater, on film, and every downgrade that must be made from that perfect experience is a sacrifice. This has been hard to maintain as movie-making becomes progressively more digital. When I say what I want in a screening I have begun to add “or a 4k projection”. That’s alright. I can groove with technology. But as technology advances, it’s becoming cheaper and easier to improve your home theater… and there is so much more room for error. It began with the widescreen television. People buy them and set the aspect to whatever the internet says is right, then disable the controls and now you’re watching everything distorted and stupid. Now as quality increases, it’s getting worse. Have you ever tried to watch something on a TV and it’s looked odd and too fast, the refresh rate is way too high, or there’s something very off about the frame rate? It seems unnatural, the speed is right, but the movements are too clean and quick?

Well, that’s what The Hobbit is going to look like. Intentionally.

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I Have A Lot Of Feelings About V/H/S

V/H/S premiered at the Sundance Film Festival about a week and a half ago, and it seems to have generated quite a buzz. Then again, that might just be with the people I follow on twitter, several of whom are actually the makers of the film. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’ve been hearing all about the disaster that occurred during the screenings and the sale of this low budget horror film to Magnolia. And frankly, the whole thing has me captivated.

V/H/S is an anthology horror film about a group of criminals who break into a house and accidentally uncover a trove of horrifying video tapes, all containing documentation of snuff like violence and bizarre supernatural occurrences.

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The Crow Remake Is Happening; F. Javier Gutiérrez Is Directing

Despite having plenty of indicators of being a cursed franchise, The Crow remake is finally happening.  Relativity Media has announced director F. Javier Gutiérre will be helming the film and Jesse Wigutow has signed on as writer.  It appears that all signs are go.  Brandon Lee stared in the original 1994 Alex Proyas film based on James O’Barr’s comic, and as we all know, Brandon Lee died from an accidental gunshot he received on set.

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