So, I guess I like space. It’s got planets and rocks and gas, and maybe even some aliens! What’s not to love? Time dilation, wormholes, black holes (apparently space has a bunch of holes), and all that other physics stuff that make it both mind boggling and bending. Mind bogglending. Maybe I should give up writing.

Anyway, there seems to be a lot going on in space right now. We’ve had a pretty intergalactic year with Chris Hadfield, commander of the International Space station, the Curiosity rover, that moon explosion, and the Sun’s solar storms. Hollywood has followed suit, and is now launching several space thrillers that look decently space-tastic.

Following up my trailer review of the upcoming film Gravity, which looks intense and visually stunning, I’m now taking a look at Europa Report. Europe Report looks equally intense and visually stunning, but that’s where my comparison of the two end; shit blows up in space and someone dies. Where Gravity attempts to take a more ‘realistic’ (by current space standards, anyway), approach to fear in space, Europa Report delves a little deeper into the “fi,” and attempts to address the question of “are we alone in the universe?”

The plot follows a group of space explorers sent to Jupiter’s moon Europa to see if they can find any evidence of microbial life beneath the moon’s icy surface. They arrive to clearly discover that there is more to that theory than meets the eye. One explorer discovers something, we assume she dies in some horrible fashion, and then everything starts to go to shit. I’m always game for a good space thriller, but on this aspect of the film, I’m not so sure how the plot will pan out. Will it end up being a stupid space bug? Or will it be more horrific? Maybe the creature will never be revealed. For me, at least, the scariest things are the things we cannot understand, cannot see, the things that let our minds drift and roam to what we find most terrifying. If they do end up defining this horror lurking beneath the ice, hopefully it is brief and amorphous.

Another aspect of Europa Report which seems intriguing from its trailer is the cinematography. From what I’ve gleaned from the few minutes I’ve seen, the movie appears to be shot more like a “found footage” film, making use of clips from television interviews, shots from the astronaut’s helmet cameras, and security cameras on the ship. There are even a bunch of scenes where it appears as if the characters themselves are being interviewed, as if Europa Report is a documentary about the Europa expedition. Parts of the Europa Report trailer even resemble District 9 - however, I’m not sure if that’s just the filming style or if it’s because I can’t separate Sharlto Copely from his character Wikus of the same film.

The documentary aspect aside, I’m not much of a fan of found footage horror, and space found footage was attempted and failed at in Apollo 18. That doesn’t mean I don’t think found footage can be done well, as I am a big fan of the [REC] films. If Europa Report is able to pull off visuals as real and terrifying as those in [REC], only in space, we may actually have something on our hands.

One final thing that lasted with me from the trailer was a quote from one of its characters: “Compared to the breadth of knowledge yet to be known, does your life really matter?” A chilling thought, but something we are likely to be questioning more and more as our space exploration begins to travel further into the unknown. In fact, it’s already happening today – with over 78,000 people applying for a one way ticket to mars if that’s the case now, just to visit mars, what will we be willing to sacrifice in the coming decades for the chance to find life?

Anyway, check out the trailer below and let me know what you think!

The post Europa Report Glimpses into the Unknown Terrors of Space appeared first on You Won Cannes.

Be sure to check out JLA-SNL 1970s and 1980s so you can complain when I get freaky with some retcons.

Part 3: Late 80s-Mid 90s: Daaa Leeg!

When we last left Saturday Night Live and the Justice League of America, it was the mid-1980s and prospects for both groups were looking hella bleak after some disastrous turnovers (which happens to be the title of my forthcoming baking memoir). SNL had installed a revolving door of ho-hum cast members, while the JLA sold out for some MTV cred. Both were in danger of going the way of the beta-max when two equally cosmic occurrences rescued them from the brink: Lorne Michaels (who had left the show) returned and the entire DC Universe got undid.

Following Michaels’s prodigal return, SNL purged much of its cast and began to fill its ranks with stand-up comedians since it was the late 1980s and they were multiplying at a  rabbits-on-a-honeymoon frequency. It was a good strategy that worked critically and commercially, spawning many memorable skits/characters and making several cast members household names. It also gave the show its most sausage-laden cast ever, until around the second half the 90s when more women were hired. It’s no worry to me though since I’m comparing it to a superhero team, and those have more rods than a lightning field. SHAZAM!

DC Comics was having its own watershed moment after Crisis on Infinite Earths, which saw the myriad dimensions in the entire DCU consolidated into one amalgamated funhouse. This prompted DC to introduce contemporary and streamlined versions of its top characters, including Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, etc. As for the JLA (renamed to just “Justice League” and later “Justice League International”), it too was rebooted, but editorial constraints barred the creators from using many of the aforementioned characters (except Batman, who DC doesn’t mind pimping out if it earns them a little extra bread). So instead, they decided to use lesser-known heroes like Booster Gold, Captain Atom and Big Barda. Imagine The Muppet Show, but with only Pepe, Sam the Eagle, Cpt. Link Hearthrob, and Sweetums. Or Seinfeld, starring Neuman, Mr. Peterman, Putty, and Mrs. Costanza (holy Laotian sweatshop I’d watch that). To set the series apart, the creators decided to inject humor into it, which became affectionately referred to as the “Bwa Ha Ha” era, due to its blend of ensemble action and situational comedy.

Like SNL upping the funny with its stand-ups, DC’s comedic JL was a winning formula that washed the bad taste of the early-mid 80s out of people’s mouths. That taste was cocaine and jellybeans, by the way.

Ok, enough of the history lesson. Let’s boogie.

1) CHRIS FARLEY AS GUY GARDNER

With large personalities and a mop of red hair, both Farley and Gardner were the instant breakouts of their respective groups. Farley’s physicality coupled with his impossible energy levels often led to the comic stealing whatever skit he was in, most of which involved him breaking furniture with his face. “Farley collapsing” was basically the only reason to watch SNL for a while. It was equally as entertaining to watch Guy Gardner get hurt, and get hurt he did, especially after acting like a fart-breathed tool, which made it that much more satisfying.

2) ADAM SANDLER AS CAPTAIN MARVEL

The concept of Captain Marvel is basically the movie Big except switch Tom Hanks with Superman, Zoltar the fortune teller with the wizard Shazam, and FAO Schwarz with the Rock of Eternity. He has a kid’s mind inside of an adult’s body – The World’s Mightiest Man-child, if you will. Sandler is similarly man-childish (a word I am really not comfortable with), and, despite some actual dramatic roles where he exhibits a range of blah blah blah, is mostly known for his juvenile humor (and “The Hanukkah Song”). His magic word would likely be some asinine noise.

3) KEVIN NEALON AS ROCKET RED

The Rocket Reds are Russia’s (or rather the USSR’s) superhero team, comprised of a dozen or so cosmonaut-lookin’ blokes in red and white robo-suits who patrol Russian airspace. I should say “Russian” superheroes, though, since they’re really what 1980s Americans envisioned would be the Soviet Union’s answer to the JLA, i.e. something borne out of Cold War paranoia (and second in offensiveness only to Russia’s mobile suit in G Gundam, which pretty much wore an ushanka). Once the JL became the JLI, they brought on Rocket Red (he had an actual name… who cares), who talks like Yakov Smirnov and was mostly around to deliver hammy dialogue that played off his accent and ignorance of American culture (“Hey comrades, we get lunch at Burger Czar, Yes?”). For comedians, it’s a racist cul-de-sac (there’s my tell-all book of limericks). But I think Nealon could pull it off. I’ve always found him to be one of the quickest humorists around, and his inherent silliness would fit R.R. nicely while avoiding the pitfalls of stereotype. He’d probably lose the accent after a minute and you wouldn’t notice or care.

4) MIKE MYERS AND DANA CARVEY AS BOOSTER GOLD AND BLUE BEETLE

Little else typified the “Bwa Ha Ha” era more than the guffawing bromance of Booster Gold and Blue Beetle. The two rookie Leaguers were often cracking wise and generally actin’ a couple knuckleheads even at times of great duress (and much to the chagrin of team wet-noodle Martian Manhunter). That sort of giggly, nudge-your-friend-when-the-teacher-says-duty also applies to Wayne and Garth Myers and Carvey, whose quirky energy freshened up the formula like a sprig of parsley. Although post JL/SNL, there emerged a gaping disparity of achievement (aaaaaand my bathroom book of trivia). Booster Gold and Myers both went on to save the space-time continuum (see: Booster Gold’s recent solo series and Austin Powers), while Blue Beetle got shot in the head and Carvey starred in Master of Disguise, the movie that taught me that movies can get zero stars.

5) NORM MACDONALD AS MISTER MIRACLE

If any comedian could be described as an escape artist (which is what Mister Miracle is considered) it’d be Norm. It’s nigh impossible to take the man seriously, meaning he could probably worm his way out of even the most heinous situations through his innate funniness. Example: imagine it was Norm who went on a racist tirade a few years ago instead of Michael Richards – now don’t lie to me and tell me it isn’t suddenly a screwball kind of situation with Norm ultimately being invited to a cookout to make amends, only to call a flamboyant passer-by a faggot in which the party stops (record-scratch) and then erupts in laugher with Norm shrugging at the camera for a freeze frame ending (just like Jungle 2 Jungle, except less racist).

6) CHRIS ROCK AS METAMORPHO

This is really more of an ironic pairing since Metamorpho can transform himself into any material he desires while Chris Rock cannot be anything other than Chris Rock, so much so that it could probably be considered a superpower. There’s also a great Silver/Bronze Age issue of JLA called “Metamorpho Says No!” in which Metamorpho turns down an invitation (literally, the JLA actually sends out cards) to join the League for whatever reason Gardner Fox & Mike Sekowsky cooked up that day. It wouldn’t surprise me if Rock also refused to join an organization as august yet so very vanilla as the JLA.

7) JULIA SWEENY AS BIG BARDA

Aside from her brief appearance in Pulp Fiction (remember, with Harvey Keitel at the dump?), I think Sweeney’s claim to fame would be Pat, the uncomfortably androgynous character that was somehow expected to carry an entire movie (with arcs and shit!) and oh look, it totally Boston-Marathon-bombed (table for one, please, with a view of the Lake of Fire if available). Anyway, we can all agree that Big Barda’s pretty mannish, right? At least in the traditional, strength = masculinity, sense (a scale I don’t subscribe to since I’d land just shy of whelp and on it). So there’s a bit of gender bending there, certainly enough for a satirical (and, let’s face it, arbitrarily cobbled) internet list such as this.

8) DAVID SPADE AS OBERON

Oberon’s a rather puzzling presence in the DCU. He’s one of Kirby’s New Gods, yet doesn’t seem to possess any sort of powers or abilities. His inclusion in the JL was merely due to Mister Miracle’s, since Oberon is technically MM’S assistant/agent/stepstool. Mostly, though, he was just the team’s resident curmudgeon. But despite being prickly and generally unlikeable, I don’t mind him since he’s one of the quirkier DC characters still around even after the New 52 makeover where Jim Lee made everyone look grotesquely polished and hyper-produced like an NFL TV-spot. Spade too has a pretty loathsome image, and I don’t even find him particularly funny, but he seems to take it all in stride. I actually kind of root for him when I see him hackin’ away out there. Think Sam Elliot at the end of The Big Lebowski: “The Spade abides. I don’t know about you, but I take comfort in that.”

9) JAN HOOKS & MELANIE HUTSELL AS FIRE & ICE

Visually, this works swimmingly. Hooks and Hutsell actually look like Fire and Ice, respectively, so much so that I think I’d cast in a hypothetical JLI movie from 1993. I mean come on, look how perfect that would (have) be(en). I’m not even going to make a joke – I’m too damn pleas’d wif meself (so much so, I’ve gone cockney).

10) ROB SCHNEIDER AS CAPTAIN ATOM

By a show of hands, who would be surprised if it turns out that Rob Schneider was actually some time-displaced government experiment gone wrong, forced to make cruddy movies as some sort of penance for misunderstood past deeds? Anyone? Didn’t think so. Anyway, that’s roughly Captain Atom’s deal, and it’s one of the few explanations for Schneider’s continued existence/career that I would believe. Or rather, I have to believe it for the soundness of my psyche. The good Captain’s power is the ability to absorb energy and discharge it back, meaning if you shoot him with a cannonball, he can subsequently blast an equal amount of force back at you or elsewhere (also works with sass and ‘tude). Shoot Schneider with a cannonball and you’ll probably just kill him (or make him more powerful than you could possibly imagine), but at least you’ve prevented another Deuce Bigelow.

11) JANEANE GAROFALO AS BLACK CANARY

As fun as it would be to see Garafalo’s reticence to don fishnets and a blond wig, by the 1990s Black Canary actually had a new outfit that was somehow worse than before. Just look at that monstrosity. It’s like the designer responded to claims of sexism over the fishnets (wonder why) and just swung in the total opposite direction, covering poor Dinah in a billowy sartorial gulag complete with a G.D. headband. Also, both have strong feminist attitudes, and it would be righteous if Garofalo had Black Canary’s screeching power and could scream at someone like Rush Limbaugh until he turned to dust.

BONUS: LORNE MICHAELS AS MAXWELL LORD

During the JLI years, the League was actually owned and managed by Max Lord, a dubious yuppie with mind control powers who essentially treated the venerable team as a capitalistic venture, prompting them to go global (thus putting the “I” in JLI). And based on what I’ve gleaned from interviews with SNL alums, Michaels possesses a sort of notorious mesmeric hold over the show’s cast members, all of whom want nothing more than to please Daddy-Lorne Legs. Now all you fuckin’ nerds out there know that Max eventually broke bad and was the primary antagonist of 2005’s Infinite Crisis, in which he set into motion one of Batman’s doomsday protocols, shot Blue Beetle in the head when he found out about it, sent Superman on a hypnotized rampage, and was ultimately dispatched when Wonder Woman twisted his head 180 degrees. So, if we adhere to castings put forth by this list and its two predecessors, that would mean that Lorne is going to set into motion one of Bill Murray’s doomsday plans (I could only imagine), shoot Dana Carvey in the head, brainwash Chevy Chase into going on a destructive rampage, and finally have his neck snapped by Gilda Radner.

Join us next time (probably some time in 2014 at this rate) for the penultimate episode where we look at the late 1990s/ early 2000s.

The post Superhero Crossover: SNL’s Justice League, The Late 80s – The Mid 90s appeared first on You Won Cannes.

I normally don’t seek out bad films. I want to enjoy the company of great movies, I really do. But these films are like Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate, and I am Dustin Hoffman, seduced by the allure of bad cinema. It’s a curse, and sometimes this curse takes me to dark places. This curse, coupled with my morbid curiosity, has taken to me the darkest place imaginable, the 2001 film known as Freddy Got Fingered.

Written and directed by Tom Green (Road Trip, The Tom Green Show), Freddy Got Fingered is the story of a Gordon “Gordy” Brody, an apathetic 28 year old slacker stuck in a dead end job working at a cheese sandwich factory. Gordy, played by Tom Green, has passionate dreams of becoming a successful animator, making an animated series out of his doodles. Gordy’s father James, played by Rip Torn (Men in Black, 30 Rock), disapproves of Gordy’s doodles, wishing that Gordy would stopping being such a loser and be more like his younger brother Freddy, played by Eddie Kay Thomas (American Pie, A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas), a young man who seeks his father’s approval by being self-sufficient and hardworking.

Two words came to mind when writing about this film: sick and mean. This film is not for those with weak stomachs or who are easily offended. Gordy is the most frightening antagonist since Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange. I say antagonist, since despite being the main character, he basically torments the people he loves and everyone he comes across, doing disgusting and heinous acts like impersonating an officer and claiming he is there to inform someone of their wife’s death, performing sex acts on random horses, and swinging a newborn baby around by its umbilical cord, then biting said umbilical cord. And that’s only the first thirty minutes of the movie.

This film is mean. Pretty much every character is forced to endure some horrific accident or circumstance somehow caused by the always aloof Gordy. Freddy is forced to be put in a home for molested children. Gordy’s love interest, played by Marisa Coughlan (Teaching Mrs. Tingle, Super Troopers), is insulted for her physical handicap. Even Gordy’s best friend injures his leg, prompting a scene where Gordy touches the exposed bone in his friend’s leg. Rip Torn suffers the most in the film, losing his wife, his house, his credibility, and ends up being covered in the bodily fluids of an animal and held hostage by terrorists, all due to Gordy’s accusation that he has been molesting Freddy. Another recurring joke involves a small child being repeatedly injured by Gordy or someone in his family, with the child’s injuries getting more severe and messy as the film goes along, culminating with a scene at the end involving an airplane.

I will admit that I liked parts of Freddy Got Fingered. The scenes with Anthony Michael Hall as the studio executive at the animation studio that Gordy visits were pretty funny. And some scenes with Rip Torn, particularly a scene set at a fancy restaurant, made me laugh. Also, it has a great soundtrack, with songs from The Ramones, The Dead Kennedys, and Eminem setting the mood for the film. I also think that Marisa Coughlan and Drew Barrymore are two fine looking ladies who deserve to be in better comedies or at least have a nude scene or something to liven the movie up (you know a movie is bad when your first suggestion to improve the movie is to add gratuitous nudity, just saying). These positive things are far outweighed by the negative things in this movie. Not even gratuitous nudity could make this movie better.

What amazes me about Freddy Got Fingered is the fact that a major studio released it. Not only that, but this film cost 14 million dollars to make. Money that could have done wonders for disease research or money to help starving kids in Africa. But instead of curing AIDS or starvation, we decided to give the money to an unfunny comedian to hire a camera crew and film him performing sex acts on animals while Rip Torn yells at him.

Despite how horrible it is, Freddy Got Fingered is a film that stays with me. It has taught me how to revalue the quality of film. When I think terrible film, I think Freddy Got Fingered. It has redefined how I critique comedy films. I have heard people say that it does things that haven’t been done in modern mainstream cinema. I’ll give you that, random fan. But answer this friend; did those things need to be done? Time will answer this question.

The post I Hate Freddy Got Fingered. appeared first on You Won Cannes.

As I write this, I’ve just heard news that stop motion special effects artist Ray Harryhausen has just passed away at the age of 93. His death reminds me that his monsters and those “Big Bug” movies from the 50s were the first flicks I latched onto when I was kid. It helped that me and my brother were extremely fascinated by insects and spiders growing up, but to see them in a science fiction film in which they grow to an enormous size and wreak havoc upon mankind was a whole new experience for me.

Praying mantids, ants, wasps, scorpions, and grasshoppers have all been turned into giant monsters. We’ve even had one about giant mutant ticks, but it seems spiders are the favorite of filmmakers to grow monstrous on celluloid. That’s perfectly understandable; their appearance alone is nightmarish enough, more so when you learn about their feeding habits and how they capture prey. Spiders use webs in most instances to ensnare, mummifying in silk, and injecting an agent into them via a set of fangs that breaks down the internal organs into a soup that can be easily sucked out.

Aren’t spiders cool?

I think they are, but enough about them.

I saw a movie once in the early 90s called Popcorn about a bunch of kids being menaced by a killer in a theater where this film festival is being held. There are these fictional movies being shown, movies the filmmakers created just for this flick, and I vividly remember one of them was about a giant mosquito. The prop mosquito built for the fake movie was even used to kill someone, that person being impaled on its proboscis (aka stinger). I remember thinking at the time ‘Wow, hey, yeah, a giant mosquito movie! That would be cool!’

It makes sense too. Like spiders, they feast on bodily fluids, they’re universal, everyone knows the evil mosquito. At the time I wondered why no one had leapt on this insect before and made a movie about it?

In April, 1994, Fangoria #131 arrived in my mailbox, and a quick scan of the cover gave me goose bumps. Down in the left corner, covered in blood is what appears to be some kind of giant insect, a mosquito, and right inside the photo are the words, ‘Big bugs bite back! (& they really suck).’ And directly underneath that photo is the word, SKEETER, in all caps.

My God, I thought, I think they just made a giant mosquito movie! Looking excitedly at the contents I find confirmation: WHAT’S THE BUZZ? Mosquitoes are bigger than ever in the indie films “Skeeter” and “Nightswarm,” and boy, do they really suck (heh heh).

Holy fuck, they made two giant mosquito movies!

I quickly turn to page 30 and revel in the photos I immediately see. Most of the article is devoted to what I consider the sub par ‘Giant Skeeter’ flick, Skeeter. Nightswarm (aka Blood Fever) is relegated to a minor spread below at the halfway mark across pages 32 and 33. If you’ve never seen either flick, the difference between the two is that Skeeter has bird-size insects while Nightswarm has man-sized ones. I’ll admit even though Skeeter is the more “polished looking” flick, the one you’ll have more fun with is Nightswarm, which was later released under the name Mosquito.

The article starts off introducing us to a guy named Gary Jones, whose primary job, before this directorial gig here, was special effects artist. Looking up his resume on IMDB shows he had done FX work on four movies I’m a fan of: Evil Dead II (1987), Moontrap (1989), Army Of Darkness (1992) and John Woo’s Hard Target (1993). Ever since Mosquito, his work has stayed primarily in the B-movie marketplace, either as a director, assistant director, or special effects artist.

One of the things that make Mosquito the better of the two flicks is basically the giant mosquitoes themselves. Keep in mind this is before Jurassic Park (1993) and before that movie heralded in the sometimes-overbearing art form of computer generated imagery. Gary managed to construct some really cool looking, anatomically correct, giant insects for his film, all realized as either animatronic puppets, stop motion FX, or, at one point, I swear, good ol’ fashion animation.

Same thing applies to some of the victims who run into them and end up getting sucked dry. There are few standout effects, one of a chick getting her blood sucked out through her ass cheek, a man who takes a stinger impalement to the eye, and a weasely character who deservedly gets attacked by a couple of skeeters and in the process of being sucked his skin wrinkles and his eyes pop out and explode.

Jones co-wrote the movie with a Tom Chaney and a Steve Hodge and as he describes in the article, the origin for how the mosquitoes got so huge is certainly the most unique in the annals of Big Bug movies. It also begs the bigger question, when extraterrestrial life gets into what is basically a “fatal car accident” while navigating Earth’s atmosphere, would the indigenous fauna of our planet scavenge their bodies? Well, in Jones’ movie, the mosquitoes certainly have no qualms sucking on alien fluids, and whatever was in that particular alien species blood grows these mothers to a troublesome size.

This very scene also showcases some nice stop motion animation as we actually see our earthly sized skeeter traversing alien skin and sticking its proboscis into it.

As it pertains to the actors in the movie, Rachel Loiselle, who plays Megan (easy to pick out in the behind-the-scenes cast shot below), the late Ron Asheton, who plays Hendricks (5^th from the left) and Gunnar Hanson (3^rd from the left), who plays the main villain, Earl. No mention at all of the late Steve Dixon, who died last year, (1^st from the left, aka the black guy), who plays, Parks, the meteorologist—no, not a weather man, an actual meteor chaser, or Tim Lovelace, who plays, Ray, boyfriend/hero to Lioselle’s groin kicking heroine (4^th from left, aka dude with the shotgun).

The way that Ray and Megan first encounter the giant mosquitoes is absolutely perfect. You know how bugs sometimes collide with your windshield while you’re driving, killing themselves something awful all over it? Well, as our couple are heading into the country for Meg’s new job as a Ranger at the local state park, a giant mosquito dips to low as it’s flying across the road and smashes against the front bumper, going splat all over the hood and up onto the windshield.

From conversation that erupts after the accident, she wants to get the body back to the lab, at school, and Ray wants to forget about all that and just relax, giving one the sense that their characters might be collegians—the sexy science major and the jock/frat boy.

I was fortunate enough to have a short exchange with actor Tim Lovelace about the movie. Here’s what he had to say about how he got into acting, and into Mosquito:

“I had done a couple of short films, student films and was a featured extra in Hoffa (then the scene got cut from final) and worked as an extra in The Carrier. I was considered for the lead in The Carrier but I was still in the Marine Corps Reserve and was scheduled to be gone during most of the filming.

I had been working as an actor doing theater, commercials, voice work, and industrial films for about 3 years when I met Gary. He was doing makeup FX for a commercial where I turned into a werewolf. When I walked in his studio to have my head cast for the prosthetics I saw giant mosquitoes he was making and storyboards up on the walls along with a lot of other props he had built including Bruce Campbell’s head from Moontrap. Being a huge fan of classic horror films, especially giant creature flick,s we hit it off right away. I told him I had to be in Mosquito. He invited me to audition for the role of Ray. He gave me a copy of the script and it said Ray was a black guy! I auditioned against about 20 other guys, some black some white and got the role. Glad I did because it was a dream come true and I made a lot of friends I’ve had ever since including Gunnar Hanson.”

Through Tim, I was also able to connect with Rachel Loiselle and asked her about her experience on the movie, Here’s what she told me about breaking into acting and meeting Gary Jones:

“I attended Wayne State University on scholarship and earned a theatre degree. After graduation I signed with all the local talent agencies, one of whom called me for the Mosquito audition. The audition monologue was from Gremlins, when Phoebe Cates talks about Christmas and finding her father dead in the chimney. When director Gary Jones offered me the role of Meghan, he asked “How do you feel about nudity?”. I responded: “Yours or mine? Yours, OK. Mine? Uh, no.”

I appreciate in director Gary Jones that he treats a production as a collaboration and considers input from all involved. It would be a privilege to work with him again.”

Gary chose Gunnar Hanson (Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, 1974) to play the lead villain, Earl, the brawn, and by the looks of his two partners, a brother and a cousin, also the brains of the bank robbery operation they have going in the movie. Mike Hard plays Junior, Earl’s brother, and he plays his “villainy” at the cartoonish level, while Earl’s cousin, Rex, played by some dude named, Kenny Mugwump, plays his “villainy” a non-issue. He’s not on screen enough for us to know how much of a douche he could be. The robber’s initial encounter with the giant skeeters results in Junior accidentally shooting poor ol’ Rex in the back, killing him on the spot.

Ron Asheton’s (who died in 2009) character, Hendricks, is a Park Ranger at the very park Meg is scheduled to start working at. It appears he plays things rather fast and loose, and I have to admit upon initial viewing his character annoyed the hell out of me. Hendricks complains a lot, and on one level can be viewed as the comic relief, but I grew to like him in the many subsequent viewings I made of the flick throughout the years. Surprisingly he makes it through 95% of the movie, only meeting his untimely end in a dumbwaiter when the rope snaps and he goes plummeting down to the basement of this farmhouse. If the fall didn’t kill him, the giant mosquitoes nesting in there surely did.

Tim’s thoughts on Ron:

“Ron Asheton and I found out on the shoot that we lived just down the street from each other in Ann Arbor When we I was a kid, about 11 houses away from each other! I remembered a guy we all thought was weird; he always dressed in black and wore black cowboy boots and aviator glasses. We’d see him with a girl in a long leopard print coat and knee-high boots. I had no idea he was a famous musician. We stayed good friends after the shoot and would hang out whenever I was in Ann Arbor. Ron was good buddies with Gunnar and Gary as well. We all stayed in contact with each other over the years. It was a blow to all three of us when we got the news that Ron passed.”

Parks (Steve Dixon) is in the area investigating the crash of the “meteor” (aka alien ship), and runs into Ray and Meg, even giving them a ride to the state park for her job, but once there they discover all the campers and rangers, minus Hendricks have fallen prey to something insidious, something that has sucked everyone dry of their blood.

It’s not long before Hendricks fills them in on what killed them.

The film really starts to cook once the gang decides they need to get the hell out of the area pronto, like, back to the city, but they can’t do it in Parks’ jeep. Too open. Only sensible solution is to use an RV they come across.

Earl and Junior finally insinuate themselves into the mix when our heroes pick up the two after their car is trashed, and a battle of wills results as to who’s gonna use the RV for what. Earl wants to go deeper into the country to hide out despite the giant skeeters.

There’s a scene in this section of the movie that nearly crippled me with laughter the first time I saw it, and after repeated viewings it still manages to make me chuckle like mad. It’s when Earl, with hatchet in hand, grabs Meg, and tells everyone to cool it and do what he says, or he’s going do horrible things to her with it. Meg manages to get free by stabbing him in the thigh with a severed mosquito proboscis. I can never tell if he says, “You bitch!” or “You little bitch!,” but she replies with, “Damn straight,” and then proceeds to kick her foot as hard as she can up into his junk. No, that’s not the part that cracks me up—it’s Earl’s reaction. He doesn’t scream in pain, or do anything, he just falls to his knees with a blank, slack jawed expression on his face, and the camera lingers for a bit on him when he’s on the ground, looking up at Meg with the same continued look on his face. That scene just kills me every time I see it. And to top it all off Ray interjects, “That’s my girl.”

Here are some of Rachel’s recollections:

“Night shoot, driving down a dirt road in the RV. I’m strapped in a safety harness with Jake Jacobsen holding onto the tether, hanging out the door, screaming my head off with Tom Chaney on the roof filming. Suddenly Jake yanks me in, ow. Seems we got within a foot of smacking my head into a tree. Thank you, Jake!

Shooting the exteriors at the Chaney property, the company provided a port-o-potty in the barn. This was in July. By the second day, it was… fragrant. Being one of only three women on set, I asked Mrs. Chaney if she might welcome the ladies into the foyer powder room. She most graciously agreed. Thank you, Mrs. Chaney!

The crawling through the sewer pipe scene was tough on the guys. I was small enough to sort of crab-walk, but Gunnar, Tim, Steve and Ron had to crawl. Hard on the knees.

Fun fact: the fake hatchet used to cut my face was called “the Shemp axe” (as in the Three Stooges).

Fun fact: long days of shooting, everyone’s tired, trying to fling the bug guts from buckets… got inadvertently renamed “gugbuts”.

Fun fact: the day we shot the house explosion blue screen was my birthday.”

And a final comment on that Fangoria article, right at the end of it there’s this: “Keeping a close watch on the film’s violence, Jones claims to be aiming for a PG-13 rating. . .” I was at the mall one day, in summer of 1995, and as I usually did, I walked into Saturday Matinee (the video store I used to do all my VHS shopping at which is now long out of business), lo and behold, the first thing I literally set eyes on was a row of movies called, Mosquito. Despite the name change, I instantly made the connection, went over and looked at the back of the movie. There was enough information there for me to easily conclude this was indeed Gary Jones’ movie. I bought it on the spot. And, as you can tell, (see photo below) it ultimately went out with an R-rating.

Image Entertainment put out a DVD in late 1999, with the same artwork. No extras not even a trailer and the movie was framed at 1.33:1. Yes, you can safely assume I bought that version, too, and still have it to this day. It quickly went out of print, though, and if you can find it anywhere it pretty much goes for an arm and a leg. The only other movie I own that Gary Jones has directed is another “Big Bug” movie he ended up making about giant spiders appropriately called, Spiders (2000). There was another, Frostbiter: Wrath Of The Wendigo that he made around the time he did Mosquito, which I have never seen, but would like to.

One time I came across another article in Fangoria (I can’t remember what it was called, or what issue it’s in) that stated Jones was planning on doing a sequel to Mosquito. Unfortunately that never materialized. Tim Lovelace told me at one point he was planning something called, Mosquito 3D. I would love to see Jones do another skeeter flick, but would mostly love to see it done as a sequel rather than a remake, using the two surviving characters. Concerning any future releases of Mosquito on DVD, Tim has also indicated that Jones owns the rights to the movie, and the ball is completely in his court as to when that happens. He also indicated Jones wants to do a 20^th Anniversary Edition, but is trying to work out the monetary logistics on how to make that happen. Seeing as the movie’s anniversary isn’t until 2015 we can only hope that’s plenty of time for him to have all that figured out.

Now, I know some of you are asking yourselves why am I reading a review of a movie that is long out of print and is not scheduled for any kind of re-release in the near future? Well, two reasons, 1). I just plainly love it, and 2). Jones and Lovelace have gotten back together for a new B-movie that hits DVD in late June called, Axe Giant: The Wrath Of Paul Bunyan, and from the look of the trailer, I’d say this might be another movie of his bound for cult classic status. I’ll refrain from commenting on it further, for I hope to be reviewing it next month, and wanted to whet people’s appetite for it in this Mosquito review.

(Many thanks to Rachel Loiselle for talking with me, and Tim Lovelace for his comments and for photos #2, 3 and 4, which I snatched off his Facebook page). 

The post A Retro Shock Theater Review, Mosquito (1995, Dir. Gary Jones) appeared first on You Won Cannes.

Dead Mine is, in fact, the poorest excuse for a film that I have ever seen. There is not one redeeming quality to it.

If you want to watch this “film”, I instead suggest you go buy a Lady GooGooGaGa record and listen to it while jerking off with a heavy grit sandpaper wrapped around your cock. You will have a much more satisfying experience, and I fucking rawly swear it.

Throughout the hour-and-a-however-long-this-fresh-hell-of-mind-numbing-pointlessness was, I found myself thinking about the scene from Adaptation where McKee gives the advice, “The last act makes a film. Wow them in the end, and you got a hit. You can have flaws, problems, but wow them in the end, and you’ve got a hit.” I kept this scene in mind, hoping oh-so desperately that Dead Mine would do just that. It did not.  Actually, it didn’t even really end.  It sort of just stops happening.

You, as fine readers of You Won Khaaaan, don’t deserve the punishment that would be brought to you just from even having the plot of Dead Mine explained to you. (Editor, do not add plot synopsis.) Dead Mine doesn’t even have the common fucking courtesy to be campy and fun in its badness. Oh, wait, unless you count the one chick who talks like a mongoloid, that, for some unthinkable reason, they give way way way too much dialogue to. It’s not worth watching to find out. Simply put, Dead Mine just a complete fucking waste of time and doesn’t even deserve a review this positive.

The post Movie Review: Dead Mine (2012, Dir. Steven Sheil) appeared first on You Won Cannes.

I learned of High Rising Productions, the company that created Slice and Dice, through the work that they did producing extras for Arrow Video’s DVD and Blu-ray releases.  Before High Rising Productions made extras a lot of UK horror releases either didn’t have them, or claimed an interactive menu was an extra feature.

The first High Rising Production extra I saw featured cast interviews, the thoughts of the director, and was made for a much more interesting viewing experience.  To the point where, if some of their short documentaries like ‘From Romero to Rome’ had been longer, perhaps they could have been stand alone features.

Slice and Dice: The Slasher Film Forever is the first feature length documentary released by this small three person company.  Made on a nonexistent budget by Calum Waddell and Naomi Holwill, Slice and Dice has been a crowd pleaser and award winner at the annual South African Horror Film Festival, and had its premiere at the prestigious Sitges Film Festival.  For me and other horror fans, Slice and Dice is a documentary that genre fans have been hungry for.

Quite often when someone says something was made with a small budget and no resources, they are either lying or making excuses for their film’s failings. For Slice and Dice, the budget was small, but it never feels small.   Here we have a feature that has been made with great passion and a genuine love for the slasher film.

I grew up with horror movies and know the genre pretty well, so I wondered before watching the film if I would I learn anything new. If not, would it still be compelling to watch?

Beginning with the way the film is put together – what I love is Holwill’s animation.  There is a real style to it which is noticeably her own.  The opening to the film, after a few brief interviews, is an animation sequence which features a blasting punk rock song, “All Kinds Of Twisted”, played over Holwill’s animation. It glistens with deep reds and sharp movements.  This makes the whole of what’s to come a more exciting journey, especially when the snippets of animation creep in or surround those discussing the genre.

The documentary itself explores the slasher film from its early origins in Psycho and Peeping Tom right up to the present day.  There are some fascinating interviews with Tobe Hooper, Tom Holland, and Adam Green.   Personally, I loved hearing from Mick Garris who made a film I hold close to my heart called Riding the Bullet. Equally interesting is Norman J Warren. We also have Corey Feldman, who doesn’t seem to have aged a day and still has a style that makes him compelling to watch.

What I like most of all about Slice and Dice is the constant love of the genre.  Sure, every horror fan, including the ones present in this feature, have favourites and least favourites, but being a horror fan feels like being part of an exclusive club, and watching this documentary is just like listening to several members sharing their thoughts.  None of those interviewed are annoying.  Sometimes in these programmes, there is always that one subject who swears too much or is too over analytical, but I didn’t find that here.

I enjoyed hearing about the slasher remakes and where the genre has gone, Stretching beyond Scream to the recent Saw movies. It was great to hear people speak with places in their hearts for films like The Burning.

Like a slasher film, Slice and Dice is fun, colourful, and a joy to watch.  The pacing is great, defined by being broken into segments, between which we are shown snippets from clips and trailers.

Also enjoyable is the commentary with director Calum Waddell and Justin Kerswell, it doesn’t sound forced and was never boring.  Instead it sounds like two friends talking over their love of movies.  I enjoyed the stories from Calum, especially the ones concerning his meetings with iconic directors.

Slice and Dice has made me want to revisit some of my old favourites again after hearing those with a genuine love for the genre.  It’s great hearing people talk with enthusiasm, and I enjoyed seeing clips of lesser known movies, some I’ve never seen but will be checking out.

If you know slasher movies inside and out, I recommend this film for its fun and insightful approach by the well known and lesser known people involved.  If you don’t know slasher movies, allow Slice and Dice: The Slasher Film Forever to be your education. It’s a fun one.

The post Movie Review: Slice and Dice: The Slasher Film Forever (2012, Dir. Calum Waddell) appeared first on You Won Cannes.

Paranormal Activity was so successful for me because when I saw it, I knew nothing about it.  In fact, I’d seen a trailer for a film called The Fourth Kind and had thought Paranormal Activity was actually that film.  So, when I watched it, yes, I knew it wasn’t real, but the simple ideas and wonderful acting left me scared and intrigued.  The first Paranormal Activity film stayed in my head for weeks.  The scene of Kate being dragged away by an unseen entity freaked me out.  Shot on consumer grade camcorders, I find most found footage movies to be redundant.  But Paranormal Activity learned from its predecessors and offers a scary ride.  Where The Blair Witch shot itself in the foot by making a sequel that openly laughed at the first movie, the Paranormal Activity series has stuck with its winning formula, sometimes getting it wrong but always keeping the storyline consistent.

Nowadays any successful movie franchise will get parodies, rip-offs, and copies.  The Asylum is a low budget production company that seems to be in the business of making low budget versions of blockbusters (nicknamed mockbusters), changing the titles slightly so that someone might buy one of their movies by mistake, or want to watch something that is badly made just for its laughability factor.  Enter Paranormal Entity.

The first Paranormal Entity is a complete rip-off of Paranormal Activity. Of course it is, and I expected this.  The acting is absolutely awful.  The acting is like porn acting, but without the porn.  The bangs and scares are dull, and the ending is ridiculous.  I doubt anyone could have been scared during this movie, but it was funny for its wooden acting and silly effects.

Now where the first movie is bad, the second movie is atrociously vile.  Originally titled ‘8213 Gacy House’, Paranormal Entity 2 follows a group of paranormal investigators as they try to locate the ghost of child killer John Wayne Gacy.  There are many reasons why this film is awful, most notably because, unlike other similar films, it uses a real killer in its storyline and not treading carefully about a sensitive subject concerning a real life monster manages to be insulting and offensive.  Firstly, the awful flaws in this movie are as follows: The house they are searching is a new build as Gacy’s original house of horrors was torn down.  That hasn’t put them off, because they’re going to search the ‘new build’ house anyway, because it has been built on the spot where Gacy’s house once had stood.  This sounds stupid even when they announce this fact.  The real Gacy died in prison and not in his house, which wouldn’t matter anyway because his house isn’t there.  So they are looking for the ghost of a man who didn’t die in the place they are searching which is a place which isn’t where the crimes happened anyway.  Nonsense.  But, let’s excuse this nonsense.  It’s a horror movie after all, and when did low budget horror worry about the details?  I hoped this film wouldn’t go too deep into John W Gacy monstrous past, or if it did then perhaps it would handle it with some sensitivity or at least stay true to the facts.

Turning up with a child’s shirt to lure out the ghost of child killer John Wayne Gacy is ludicrous and disgusting.  How I kept watching till the end, I do not know.  Anyway by the end of the movie,  with some awful special effects and a woman’s tits thrown in for no real reason, the film closes the faint image of a clowns face approaching the camera as Gacy used to dress up as a clown.  Juvenile and awful.

The third film began and left me slapping my face. Could it be this bad? I mean seriously. Remember The Exorcism of Emily Rose? I didn’t like it, but it tried hard to be sincere to what was allegedly a true story.  Now in comes Paranormal Entity 3, another film which didn’t have PE3 as its title, but was quickly changed it to cash in.  ‘Paranormal Entity 3: The Exorcist Tapes’.  I really don’t know where to start.  Okay. Set in Germany, the film pretends to be based on the real life exorcism of Anneliese Michel.  It’s bad for many reasons.  One, because when the true events happened in 1976, digital cameras or small handheld cameras had not even been invented yet.  With stuck on beards, Germans who speak in English with poor German accents and a girl of forty pretending to possessed.  Awful, but if you’re drunk or having a stag party, it may be worth having a laugh at. Although there are far better movies out there than this to laugh along with, especially when really, this does nothing but mock a girl who actually died.

I was hoping that by the time I got to the last film, I’d discover that they had saved the best until last. Of course I was wrong.  Another film with a changed title. This one being ‘100 Ghost Street:  The Return of Richard Speck‘.

Here we have the final film. Like the second this one is based around a real life serial killer who raped and killed nurses. Vile and cheap, the film alters the history of the killer’s crimes to suit its needs.  Personally I don’t like films about serials killers, but if you’re going to make one and can’t do it with some sensitivity, then at least do it with some meaning or facts.  The movie itself, there really isn’t much different from the second entry.  Boring and juvenile, this is the last Asylum film I buy. But good for them, as they seem to make money off of their films. They made sixteen pounds off me for this box set when really I should have left it well alone.

Stupid and insulting to the victims’ families, I don’t recommend these films and won’t be purchasing the next one if and when it comes out.

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Unless I’m mistaken, falling is a nearly universal fear. I’m not talking about what I do every time I try to eat while walking up stairs or step on a metal street grate in the rain. I’m talking about the plunge – the one that jolts us awake when our dreams toss us from the top of some place we know we shouldn’t be. I mean, I know people bungee jump, and base jump, and parachute all over all the time. But the fact remains, unless they’re suicidal, they always have that something protecting them. And to me, that’s what makes the trailer for Alfonso Cuarón’s upcoming film, Gravity, so terrifying.

Gravity’s trailer starts out calm, serene, and wraps the viewer in their own parachute as they hang over the precipice at the top of the world. Here, we meet Dr. Ryan Stone ( played by Sandra Bullock) and astronaut Matt Kowalsky (George Clooney), admiring the beauty of earth from 372 miles above its surface. They float above their shuttle, marvel at their weightlessness, and give us, the viewer, a glimpse of something we may never in our lifetimes get a chance to feel.

As quickly as we are introduced to this beauty, we are torn away. Disaster strikes, tearing Bullock and Clooney from their ship, and tossing them into the depths of space. Some chaos ensues, eventually ending with Bullock spinning deeper and deeper into space as she whispers “anybody, can you copy,” and then fades to black. For me, the moment in the trailer was so real, it was like my parachute failed to launch, or I had personally begun to slide down the edge of a cliff. I almost didn’t realize that I had stopped breathing while I watched these two characters spin out of control over the top of the earth, inches, in my mind, from being pulled back down the 1,964,160 feet to the surface of the earth.

Granted, I am terrified of heights and flying (and being alive overall), but there was something so tangible about the scenes I was seeing that it felt real. While effects are usually discernible regardless of how well they are executed, there was something about Sandra Bullock dangling over a hunk of metal, spinning as she desperately tries to reach her arms out to grab it that looked (to me at least) as if I were there, watching her face her death.

If the rest of the film is up to this caliber, I can foresee Gravity being a stunning film, both emotionally and visually.

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This is the follow-up to our Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest retrospective in pictures, a look at Echo Bridge’s obsession with the Children of the Corn franchise.

Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering is not only the first direct to video sequel, it also features the most star power of any of the films in the Corn franchise (not counting the original). Unfortunately, Karen Black and Naomi Watts can’t save it from being a tad bit boring. The Gathering isn’t horrible, it just pales in comparison to Urban Harvest. It is also a kind of stand alone film since it doesn’t really follow the events of the first two sequels.

The Gathering does feature plenty of killer kid scares, but that may be the problem. It relies too much on the creepy kid aesthetic instead of delivering fun over-the-top kills like its predecessors.

The release date of Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering was October 8, 1996 (Video). The film was directed by Greg Spence who went on to co-produce Game of Thrones. Starring: Naomi Watts, Jamie Renée Smith, Karen Black

Kids go bat-shit crazy because some chick lies to her daughter.

Wikipedia Page
IMDB Page
Rotten Tomatoes
Trailer 

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Maybe you like to take LSD and/or you hate yourself.  Those are the primary reasons why you would watch The Great Gatsby (2013) this weekend.

If the dozens of well-written reviews about the movie’s flaws don’t convince you not to see the film, then maybe reading an article written by someone who has not even seen the trailer, and in fact, has only gleaned enough information about the film such as “starring the guy from Inception, Academy Award Winning pouty-baby-hair-face and directed by the hooker-circus leader of Moulin Rouge (depicted below)” will do the trick…

Don’t see The Great Gatsby this weekend. You should have already read the book by now anyway.  Haven’t read the book? Jump on the bandwagon, read it now, and buy the vintage cover printed on a t-shirt, to show everyone how great you are.  Just like Gatsby.

Read the book already? Read it again, this time in Long Island.  Go to Port Washington, wherever the hell the Eggs are.  Find the Eggs.

Watch these period movies instead.  You’ll have a great time.  Or you won’t, because you hate yourself anyway, and/or are on LSD and looked into the mirror.

1) CHICAGO

This movie won a lot of awards.  Maybe it didn’t deserve them, but it’s the closest thing to Gatsby that we’ve got.  Other than The Great Gatsby, starring Robert Redford.  I guess that’s the closest.

If you like period movies that touch on the Jazzy 20′s, the Dirty 30′s and the blorty 40′s, see Chicago.  It’s got a pouty blond and a lot of good songs.  And Richard Gere. And murder, just like The Great Gatsby (spoiler alert).

2) GANGSTER SQUAD

Did anyone see this movie? I don’t know.  But you can this weekend, instead of The Great Gatsby.

It looks like a period movie, complete with Tommy guns and American gangster indulgence.  It’s got Ryan Gosling in it.  And a pouty red head.  Watch Gangster Squad.  It’ll kill two hours of your life, similar to what you’re already doing to your liver, but with sex appeal.

3) WHAT’S EATING GILBERT GRAPE

Maybe you’re more into DiCaprio than period pieces.  Maybe you’re into both.  I think this movie is both.

It is definitely DiCaprio at his finest (as in fiiiiiiine, *fingersnap*), and the acting is OK too.  Film also features a pouty brunette who is famous for his roles as a chocolatier pirate.

 4) CASABLANCA

A film that is period before it was cool to do period.  Period.

Casablanca is an excellent film, and could really be recommended to watch in the stead of any movie.  It’s full of action, drama and excellent acting that you just won’t get in The Great Gatsby.  It also takes place in a locale way cooler than Long Island (not a tough feat), so even that’s a good enough reason to see it, in spite of its endless awards and accolades.

 5) DUCK TALES: THE MOVIE, TREASURE OF THE LOST LAMP

This film stars the inspiration for Jay Gatsby himself, Scrooge McDuck, and his casting does not disappoint.  McDuck’s performance is the perfect blend of debonair and diabolical, leading us into the complicated world of the protagonist/anti-hero.

Duck Tales is a tour du force. Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes: it’s a duck blur.  Complete with piles of money, decadence and waterfalls of Cristale, the endless thirst for wealth and power in Duck Tales: The Movie – Treasure of the Lost Lamp, will leave you nauseous at the waste of American capitalism and exploitation.  To quote the closing credits theme: It’s a Duck WHIRL.

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