Tag Archives: direct to dvd

Movie Review: CLONED: The Recreator Chronicles (2012, Dir. Gregory Orr)

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Cloned: The Recreator Chronicles

CLONED: The Recreator Chronicles is fucking brilliant. In fact, I only have two legitimate complaints about the film, and both stayed inside of Stella Maeve’s shirt the entire time. I appreciated the candor of this film, especially after being so let down by the spoon-fed dreck and insulting nature of the Evil Dead remake. Also, towards the end, there is a scene with a guy kissing his own clone, which I’m sure would cause any fine Christian to not know whether to spit or go blind. What with, not only the man-on-man action, but the whole immorality of cloning, blah blah, suck my satanic prick, issue. This film gets an A+ and extra fucking credit.

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Lake Placid 4: The Piranha 3D Sequel Horror Fans Wanted

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Anyone who followed the careers of John Gulager, Marcus Dunstan, and Patrick Melton from Project Greenlight Season 3 to Feast 3 knew that they were the wrong choice for Piranha 3DD. That’s why I was so flabbergasted when Dimension announced that they would be the creative team behind the Piranha remake’s sequel. Alexandre Aja was able to do with Piranha 3D what all three Feast films attempted to and failed at. He managed to mix horror and comedy without relying on too many bad one-liners and wink at the camera moments. Not a simple feat! Many horror filmmakers have tried unsuccessfully at making the perfect horror/comedy cocktail. Just ask Adam Green or Tim Sullivan.

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Movie Review: Age Of The Hobbits/Clash Of The Empires (2012, Dir. Joseph J. Lawson)

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Age of the Hobbits / Clash of the Empires

Hollywood is like an old memaw, always feeling threatened by new technology, and accusing everyone of stealing from them. So they do the only thing they know how to: threaten to sue everyone and cry to politicians. That’s why Asylum had to change the title of their mock-buster Age of the Hobbits to Clash of the Empires. Hollywood claims they’re just safeguarding their creative properties, you know, like the 400th Snow White film they released last year. But I think they’re just afraid of the wonderful job the foreign midgets did in this film. If these upstart actors invaded Hollywood, Tom Cruise and other big Hollywood stars would be out of a job before you could say “Scientology”.

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Movie Review: Air Collision (2012)

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Film School. Over the past few decades it’s been increasing in its popularity. You can find film programs at most colleges and universities nowadays, highly enrolled with fully functional equipment rooms. Many are drawn to film classes, whether or not they are in the major. Yet, many of the most basic classes induce eye-rolls in students. The Simpsons taught us the 180 rule, and modern editing is intrinsic in our movie-watching minds. It seems redundant to spell it out. But is it? Is it really?

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Movie Review: Grimm’s Snow White (2012)

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Asylum has carved themselves a weird little niche, a thing of the video age that they have managed to keep alive. Leeching off the heat of big budget Hollywood films, they produce smaller, faster films, for the direct-to-DVD market. And, as Hollywood recently decided it was a great idea to make two separate Snow White movies, Mirror Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman, Asylum went ahead and made Grimm’s Snow White first.

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