Unethical Practices: The Critical Assassination of The Counselor

The Counselor (2013)

It only takes one weak link to break a chain, and when The Counselor debuted in theaters in November, a once highly buzzed awards contender was reduced to entertainment rag cannon fodder rather unjustly thanks to the weak link of Cameron Diaz’s misguided performance in the film. Critics were divided, audiences were discouraged, and haters were ravenous — but to this author, much of the criticism is quite confusing in their points. If critics were to consider the tone of the film off-kilter, why not apply the same criticism to award-worthy oddities like Nebraska? If the film’s content was truly the issue, then why did audiences embrace downers such as Prisoners or Blue Jasmine?

Of course, the predictable pool of Oscar nominations is surely attributed to that of safety and necessity. While out-of-the-box candidates such as Gravity and Her will receive obligatory nominations, they’ll never be truly embraced by the Academy, allowing instead for the routine mix of charming character pieces, heart-wrenching melodramas, and zeitgeist-penetrating biopics to scoop up nominations all around. Meanwhile, as the horror genre is continually ignored for their incredible work in SFX, the Academy can sleep soundly knowing that legitimately unique cinema will not be given the satisfaction of critical embrace, at least not during its initial release.

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BENEDICT OSCARWATCH: AMOS MORTIMER’S TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2013

BENEDICT OSCARWATCH

“You’re The Best Around. Nothing’s Ever Gonna Keep You Down.”
– Joe Esposito, ‘You’re The Best Around’

It’s 2014! And while every fucking idiot in the world is crying about how awesome Big Dick Wall Street is, I have to write some fucking article about what the best movies I saw this year was. Now, I’ll be honest, I don’t get out much, and frankly, that’s how I like it. Fucking retards go to the theaters because little kids use their flip phones and babies are crying everywhere and it’s taxing when you’re trying to figure out what Optimus is telling Shia.

So I decided to compile the top 10 movies I saw this year. I’m not counting porn, as to not show favoritism to a genre. I’m also not counting movies I didn’t see. So here you go…

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Planes, Trains and Automobiles: The Unnecessary and Too-Soon Remake of Due Date

Planes, Trains, And Automobiles, A Poor Due Date Knock-Off

Thanksgiving is upon us and with that come all of the glitz and glamour of turkeys and buckle hats. And it’s everywhere! You can’t escape Thanksgiving. It’s forced upon us so early that people quickly grow sick and tired of this and don’t want any of it. So how is Hollywood to capitalize on this American holiday event? Well, they gave it a shot in the most half-assed way possible: by remaking the Robert Downey Jr./Zach Galafinakis comedy classic Due Date with Steve Martin, a guy who plays the banjo, and John Candy, the guy who was the security guard in that Griswolds movie. It’s a pretty sorry cast, I’m afraid to say. It’s even sort of flabbergasting considering John Candy’s been dead since 1994. If it wasn’t for the appearance of MEGA STAR Kevin Bacon, I’d say most of their budget went to special effects to bring Mr. Candy back to life.

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Book Of Amos: Amos Reviews The Counselor (2013, Dir. Ridley Scott)

The Counselor (2013) Movie Review

     “Everybody Talks. Everybody Talks. Everybody Talks.”
                                   – Neon Trees, ‘Everybody Talks’

After White People Planet, I was kinda unsure about Ridley Scott. I liked it, don’t get me wrong, since I’ll love anything in the Alien universe, and that especially includes Alien: Resurrection in a genuine, unironic way. But Ridley Scott has definitely been on an increasingly steep slope in terms of his quality. Desert Spies, Gladiator Hood, Scarface 2: The Quickening and A Fucking Movie About a House Renovation?! have all indicated a master who has individual elements of greatness in different films, but has yet to cohesively assemble them as he did in his prime. White People Planet should have been a cakewalk for the auteur, and yet, the work of Damon Lindelof (not Spaihts, whose original script is so much better) didn’t jive with Ridley’s aversion to explore the philosophical ideas that were hinted at. If only he would have made an entire movie of David’s Bicyclesketball.

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You Won Candy Corn: What To Do On HALLOWEEN

you-won-candy-corn-what-to-do-on-halloween

Our benevolent editor-lord won’t stop irritating me about writing something about Halloween for her quaint little website. Since I’m the master of having a good time, I offered to put together a list of suggestions for what you should be doing on the best night of the year, Halloween. If you don’t take any of my suggestions, you are a fool.

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Book Of Amos: Just Die Already

"Patriarch" Staring Matt Damon and Peter Fonda

“That’s why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker.”
                                             – Tupac Shakur, ‘Hit Em Up’

Okay, stupid, picture this. You’re at the movies, right? You’re with your significant other or alone or whatever. You sit down, and after twenty midnights of making jokes about casual dads and NYPD cops who kill homeless veterans to get their dicks hard, the lights go down. The completely fucking awesome DCP system starts up and like that, it’s the best time of the day: it’s trailer time.

So you’re sitting there, right? As you shovel whatever fucking shit into your mouth, the first preview starts off, and goes exactly like this…

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You Won Candy Corn: On Conquering My Fear Of The Video Store

On Conquering My Fear Of... Child's Play 3

As a kid, I took being a pussy to extraordinary heights. Being scared was the only thing I was good at. Well, no, that’s not true. I was good at watching TV. And when everything scares you, being a pussy was a given in my TV watching. Before the age of remotes, I would sit right in front of the screen, always at the ready to bail on the channel when something spooky popped up. Considering that everything scared me, an outsider might’ve observed that my rapid channel changing might be attributed to a case of ADD or that I was just a child of the ’90s. I wasn’t seeking thrills, I was conflicted. Every day, I would force myself to participate in my favorite and least favorite activity at the same time. Being 3 – 10 years old, it was a little confusing. Here’s a short list of the things I was afraid of…

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You Won Candy Corn: Eight Horror Films That Traumatized Me

Top Eight Most Traumatizing Horror Movies

Guess what: it’s still Halloween! And to get into the spirit of my favorite holiday, I’ve been revisiting some of the films that I personally have found to be the scariest movies I’ve ever seen. I’ve compiled a list of the eight horror films that have been the most effective in absolutely terrifying me. Read about my experiences with cinematic terror below, and I encourage you to comment and tell me about your own as well.

Check out the article I posted earlier as an introduction to this list right here. 

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You Won Candy Corn: October Is A Month-Long And All Of That Is Halloween.

You Won Cannes Halloween 2013

Yesterday a friend of mine asked me what I believe the scariest movie of all time is. This is a very complicated question, but also a very appropriate question as we’re all gearing up for our own personal Halloween film festivals throughout the month of October. The first thing to consider is personal bias vs objectivity; am I answering the question of what has been successful at scaring large groups of people, or more simply put, the average scariest film? Or is my answer only what has frightened me? If I am only speaking from my own experiences with horror, things become even more complexly layered.

I’m not a psychologist or anything, but I’m fascinated by the topic of what it is that makes a fictional creation scary; what it is exactly that makes us squirm when we watch a film. So I’m kicking off this year’s You Won Cannes-oween coverage with some suggestions on how to freak yourself out. Over the month of October we’ll be reviewing lots of horror films, from new exciting indie horror to old-school video nasties, and lots of weird stuff that you may not have had on your radar in between.

If you recall, last year I attempted to watch and review 50 horror films. And I failed.

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8 Reasons That You Should Be Watching Arrow On The CW

Reasons Why You Should be Watching Arrow on the CW

One of television’s greatest mysteries is how Smallville managed to last 10 seasons.
Even as a casual fan of the show, this confuses me. The only explanation I can give is that it filled the void left by the cancellation of Xena, and it gave comic book nerds access to third rate DC characters they will never see on the big screen. What’s even more amazing than Smallville’s longevity is that the CW is poised to recreate its success with Arrow.

Maybe other networks should take note of the CW’s superhero formula. It’s easy; both Smallville and Arrow are daytime soap operas starring lesser known DC heroes and villains. Throw in a couple of hot shirtless men, an interracial marriage, low expectations, and you have both UPN and the WB’s entire demographic covered. The addition of random DC character cameos, like The Flash, brings in new viewers each week. Even if these fans don’t stick around, they do come back for the season finale, or next big character appearance. It is a recipe for low budget TV success.

I assume most Smallville fans are already tuning in. If you are not, you should be. Arrow has learned from Smallville’s mistakes and is getting everything right that Smallville got wrong. If you missed the Smallville phenomenon the first time around, this is your chance to catch it again, and here’s why you should.

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