Unless you count Bend It Like Beckham, I’ve never seen a Bollywood film. This is kind of odd as I grew up in a town where the local multiplex shows Bollywood films because of its large Indian population. While home for the holidays, I decided to watch my first Bollywood movie instead of being tortured with Arthur Christmas 3D, Immortals 3D or Tower Heist. How bad could it be? I like romantic comedies and musicals, Bollywood movies are just a combination of both, right?
The Desi Boyz is a Hindi romantic comedy directed by Rohit Dhawan, son of the well known David Dhawan. Luckily for Rohit, I have no idea who David is, so he didn’t have to live up to his father’s past achievements, but he would play an important role in my life. I’m a Bollywood virgin and Rohit broke my Bollywood hymen. Unfortunately for me, my first time wouldn’t be very memorable.
Instead of losing my virginity on a bed of rose petals, I lost it in the back of a camero to a guy with a beer belly and mullet. The humor wasn’t funny, and the foreplay was so long and awkward that I found myself texting (I was the only person in the theater, so it didn’t matter,) while tiredly waiting for the main event. The first dance number was like my first penetration, it was exciting, but the novelty wore off quick. My mind wandered, I checked the clock, bit my nails, and wished for it to be over quickly. I wasn’t so lucky, Dhawan isn’t a one pump chump and the movie grinded on and on.
The Desi Boyz is a buddy comedy more so than a romantic comedy. A deadbeat friend, Jignesh Patel (Akshay Kumar) mooches off his rich friend, Nick Mathur (John Abraham). Jignesh or Jerry doesn’t get along with Nick’s girlfriend, blah, blah, blah. After Nick loses his job, the two friends must become male strippers to save Jerry’s adopted son. This part of the movie is confusing because the kid just appears out of nowhere without much explanation (or maybe I just missed it while I was texting). I’m not sure why Jerry has a son, or where the kid’s parents are, but Jerry eventually loses him to social services and returns to college to get his life together. Nick’s girlfriend, Radhika (Deepika Padukone) finds out about him being a manwhore and dumps him. The rest of the movie features Nick and Radhika singing to each other and a rushed romance between Jerry and an old friend of his.
The Desi Boyz isn’t awful, just a little boring and not funny at all. It ends like an Adam Sandler film where all the characters meet in a courtroom during Jerry’s custody hearing. The best part of the movie is the women. I normally don’t date non-white people, but the women in this film are stunning! The musical scenes, including “Make Some Noise For The Desi Boyz,” do inject a little life into the film, and kept me awake and off my iPhone.
I’m happy that I was finally able to see my first Bollywood film, but I feel like The Dezi Boys took my innocence, and left me unsatisfied with a giant load on my face. Hopefully my second time will be better, but I think I’m going to avoid the backseats of cars for now.
-WIL Keiper, HorrorYearbook.com