Snow White vs. Snow White vs. Snow White

Just what we needed: three Snow White films in 2012. Good job Hollywood! Actually “Hollywood” is only responsible for two vomit worthy “retellings” of the fairy tale classic, the third is being produced by our favorite Direct-to-DVD studio Asylum.

In typical Asylum fashion, Grimm’s Snow White will beat the rest to the punch being released first on March 13, followed by Tarsem Singh’s Mirror Mirror on March 30, and Rupert Sanders Snow White and the Huntsman on June 1. Lets compare the three films and see which one comes out on top.

Snow White and the Huntsman vs. Mirror Mirror vs. Grimm’s Snow White

Snow White – Lily Collins vs. Kristen Stewart vs. Eliza Bennet

Kristen Stewart is perfect for the role of Snow White because she knows how to look sleepy. However, Lily Collins and Eliza Bennet are so much cuter. I should give the edge to Snow White and the Huntsman for having the biggest name Snow White, but Twilight stars are a good reason to avoid a movie altogether. For no other reason than I saw Priest I’m giving this round to Mirror Mirror.

Edge: Mirror Mirror


Evil Queen – Charlize Theron vs. Julia Roberts vs. Jane March

Jane March has been in A LOT of nude scenes (over 30!). She’s even been naked with Bruce Willis! Now that’s an evil queen! Its nice to see Julia Roberts is still working, but she is interchangeable with Sandra Bullock and neither actress screams “bitch who tries to poison their step daughter.” I know Charlize Theron has done a lot, but I always have to look her up to remember what she is famous for.

Edge: Grimm’s Snow White


Prince Charming – Chris Hemsworth vs. Armie Hammer vs. Jamie Thomas King

Mirror Mirror automatically loses for casting Sean Bean as “The King” and not Prince Charming (or Prince Andrew Alcott) I don’t care if he’s too old to play a prince, I rather wake up to Bean’s lips kissing me than Armie Hammer. He’s named after baking soda for god’s sake! However, this is no contest. Chris Hemsworth made me turn homosex in Thor, making him the sexiest prince ever. Sorry Jamie Thomas King, but no one stands a chance against the God of Thunder.

Edge: Snow White and the Huntsman


Director – Rupert Sanders vs. Tarsem Dhandwar Singh vs. Rachel Goldenberg

This is really a battle of unknown directors. Who the fuck is Rupert Sanders? At least Tarsem Dhandwar Singh directed The Cell and Immortals. According to IMDB Rachel Goldenberg directed a lot of short films. I kind of want to give it to Goldenberg for directing Sunday School Musical, but she had something to do with Transmorphers which was one of Asylum’s biggest letdowns.

Edge: Draw


Plot:

Snow White and the Huntsman – In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen.

Mirror Mirror – An evil queen steals control of a kingdom and an exiled princess enlists the help of seven resourceful rebels to win back her birthright.

Grimm’s Snow White – When the King is killed by ferocious reptile beasts, his Queen takes control of the kingdom. She tries to kill her beautiful stepdaughter SNOW, but she escapes into the enchanted forest…

Mirror Mirror is a comedy, Snow White and the Huntsman sounds like a romantic comedy, and Grimm’s Snow White involves “ferocious reptile beasts.”

The “twist” in the Huntsman doesn’t sound like much of a twist, but it doesn’t sound like an awful premise. I’ll pass on a Snow White comedy starring Julia Roberts. Asylum’s version sounds like a more creative re-imagining, but that isn’t saying much since all three films failed come up with anything too original.

Edge: Grimm’s Snow White


Trailers:

I’m pretty sure Mirror Mirror’s trailer gave me gonorrhea. Snow White and the Huntsman is only saved by Hemsworth. It’s also sad that the CGI birds in the Hunstman look about as impressive as Asylum’s CGI lizards. Universal should be ashamed of themselves. Asylum’s six man army is also laughable compared to Huntsmans’ massive fighting scene.

Edge: Grimm’s Snow White


Overall:

Making a Disney film dark and edgier is far from interesting or original. Mirror Mirror’s Nicole Kidman / Stepford Wives approach isn’t bad, it just looks poorly done and unfunny. At least Asylum sticks to its roots, mixing Sci-Fi with a classic fairy tale. The Huntsman suffers from bad casting, and looks cheaply done. At least Asylum knows how to work within its low budget. Rupert Sanders is no Tim Burton, and it shows in the Huntsman trailer. I’m giving Grimm’s Snow White the win, but only slightly. If the Hunstman hadn’t cast Stewart and Theron it might have had a chance.

Edge: Grimm’s Snow White

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