Movie Review: Grimm’s Snow White (2012)

Asylum has carved themselves a weird little niche, a thing of the video age that they have managed to keep alive. Leeching off the heat of big budget Hollywood films, they produce smaller, faster films, for the direct-to-DVD market. And, as Hollywood recently decided it was a great idea to make two separate Snow White movies, Mirror Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman, Asylum went ahead and made Grimm’s Snow White first.

Whether or not its any good, I’ll take Grimm’s Snow White over the other two, even without seeing them. Mirror Mirror looks cheaper than any film Asylum has ever made, and is blatantly worthless as anything other than a Julia Roberts vehicle. I care so little about Kristen Stewart, and I can’t even be bothered to watch the trailer of Snow White and the Huntsman. I would rather spend those three minutes sitting still, silently drinking a glass of water. Being hydrated is way more interesting than Kristen Stewart.

For more comparing and contrasting of the three films, check out Wil’s Snow White battle royale over here.

That being said, it only took two words on the case of Asylum’s new DVD to get me geared up to watch: “lizard monsters”. For I am a simple lady, and I like my movies with lizard monsters.

Grimm’s Snow White starts off Lord of the Rings. I would have said “like” Lord of the Rings, but it isn’t like it. It’s exactly that. Several races, including elves and lizard monsters and people, divided the power, then some stuff went wrong and everybody got mad. Then some king and his retarded posse get eaten by a lizard, and a prince decides to pull a Richard the III and go after the widowed evil queen whose king hubby got chomped on. Hanging around, he encounters Snow, the evil queen’s step-daughter, who he falls totally in love with after looking at her for two seconds, because she’s real damn fair. Then the queen asks her mirror what’s up, and etc. You know this one already.

More Grimm than Disney, people are getting chomped, and hearts are getting cut out. There’s no nudity, but it stays somewhat true to the tale. The dwarfs are replaced by elves, that don’t have much in terms of numbers, plot-wise and in screen occupancy. There’s never more than, say, seven elves around, even during the epic battle for the survival of their race. And they live in a cottage in the woods that I broke into in Skyrim and looted.

The queen’s army was replaced with clone-stamped, demonic, canine Neopets, who substituted what they lacked in ferocity with politeness. After chasing the heroes through the woods in fluctuating numbers, they were kind enough to clean up after themselves upon being beheaded, and simply vaporize from the screen.

I don’t have very much more to say, to be honest. It’s a Syfy channel style production of the Snow White story. It rambles a bit, but it’s never painful. There are some great laugh out loud moments, but it’s too serious and too competent to ever really be very funny. As my viewing companions began to sneak out of our late night screening, I began to grow more bored, so my biggest suggestion is to watch this film drunk with a bunch of rowdy friends. Which is really what you want from an Asylum film, right? If that’s the case, Grimm’s Snow White gets the job done.

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