Movie Review: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013, Dir. Tommy Wirkola)

Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

I am elated by the fact that the Blu-Ray of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters came out just mere days before Man Of Steel hits theaters. It affords me the opportunity to see my favorite film of the year at least one more time before, I’m guessing, it will be rightfully replaced. I could be wrong though, so for the time being, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is officially the best film of 2013. If you disagree, you’re just an asshole that only thinks they know something about something. You clearly know nothing, and I mean that especially regarding your knowledge of film.

I am not going to be able to contain myself here, so if you don’t want SPOILERS, fuck off now. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is action-fucking-packed and full of blood, skulls being crushed to mush, and basically people just falling apart at the seams. What really makes this film something special though, is the plot. Albeit a little hokey, it plays well, and even helps make the film more fun.

After a near fatal encounter with a witch, as children, Hansel and Gretel grow up to be famous witch hunters. Eventually they are lured to a town so that Gretel can be kidnapped and used in a ceremony by a group of evil witches. The ceremony will make all them fire-proof, and they need Gretel because she is M. Night Shyamalan! Wait, that’s not right. Oh, yes: she is a good witch, which has somehow been unbeknown to her for thirty some odd years. Anyway, they need to cut out her heart to make it all work, and thank the heavens a-fucking-bove that they don’t succeed, because if anything happened to Gemma Arterton’s rack, I would have cut off my cock and beat someone to death with it.

Remeny Jenner gives as good a performance as any guy that’s as strong as an ox, and twice as fucking smart, can. He hands-down steals the film when it is revealed that he has “The Sugar Sickness”, which is literally diabetes as a result of the witch having forced him to eat too much candy as a child. This becomes an obstacle in the final fight of the film when he starts to go into a diabetic coma and Gretel has to inject him with insulin so they can finish off the wickedest witch of them all: Famke “I’ll put my dick all over you” Janssen.

Other notable moments in Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters include when a guy is cursed with “the hunger for crawling things”, and eats bugs until he explodes! Also, a scene with Gretel headbutting the sheriff in the nose, and then later biting it near clean off only to spit a bunch of his blood, and possibly some of his nose, back in his face! But the crème de la crème is when a troll named Edward uses a tree, A FUCKING TREE, like it’s a fucking baseball bat, and really cracks the yolks on some mother-fuckers!

I feel like those weren’t even real spoilers. There’s so much more that I didn’t get into, and besides, there is really nothing I could tell you that would ruin this movie. Experiencing this film’s greatness is an absolute must, and If hearing all that didn’t sell you on actually seeing how it’s executed, well then you’re a fucking chump and a complete waste of time as a human-fucking-being. I seriously can’t remember the last time I enjoyed anything as much as Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. If you have any lust for seeing something that is just unbelievably fun, do yourself a favor and pick this up. Yes, just fucking buy it. Once you see it, you will want, nay, need to own it.

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