“Jones. An Obsession. A Burning Desire. The Undeniable Passion.”
– Barry White, ‘Basketball Jones’
Let me be rather up front: theoretically speaking, I am inclined to be a Chucky fan. First off, I just fucking hate children. When I see children fall down or get scared by animals in real life, I’m overcome with joy. So for someone who targets children specifically, it’s euphoric to see a doll with Bradley Dorff’s voice show up and get wicked.
Second off, Child’s Play is the best ‘80s horror movie, and that’s a straight up fact. I don’t find pedophiles or retards scary, so that eliminates Sweaterman and Masky Down Syndrome. In fact, I think most retards should wear hockey masks since that would make them less scary when you see them in public. Personally, I think John Landis single-handedly provided the lowest point in ‘80s horror, as he actually filmed people dying and didn’t have the common courtesy to leave it in the final cut. So of course, by process of elimination, Child’s Play is the best.
Third off, the franchise is as consistent as my ex-wife, Holiday. From scary, to darkly humorous, to straight-up comedy, Child’s Play has always been indicative of quality filmmaking, innovative kills, and expert puppetry, unlike my ex-wife, who is indicative of fucking everything wrong with the world. The characters who died in the film always felt like they deserved it, much like my ex-wife deserves a fucking boot to her throat. And Chucky was always charismatic in his unrepentant assholery, and if I were to make an ex-wife joke, you’d see that coming. Fuck her. She’s stupid. SHE’S SO STUPID.
So, obviously, in terms of outright being jazzed, I was super jazzed when Curse of Chucky hit the scene. It’d been too long since Seed of Chucky gave John Waters a well-deserved paycheck; so long, in fact, that the “president” changed races, Guns ‘n’ Roses released their magnum opus, and the world practically forgot about Bonkers the Cat. Luckily, Don Mancini was back for this one, so I was sure it wasn’t some shitty reboot, although rumors swirled about it’s place in the Child’s Play timeline. Best news of all was Bradley Dorff’s hot daughter, LaFawnda, was playing a cripple, and the last movie that had a cripple was Monkey Shines, the highlight of George Romero’s career.
And guess what? Guess fucking what? Curse of Chucky is fucking sweet. You have no idea. From the opening credits to the post-credit scene to EVERYTHING, Curse of Chucky is a masterpiece of absolute, balls-deep Chucky-ing. There is no other movie as Chucky as Curse of Chucky, and you can take that to the bank.
Okay, so here’s the deal: Chucky shows up in a box, some Cripple-I’d-Like-to-Fuck shows up and watches her Mom die, and all the sudden, it’s like, “What up? We’re the ENTIRE FAMILY and we’re here for arbitrary kill reasons.” Now, one thing I gotta mention: this shit is crazy restrained. There is a very small body count, but like this year’s Evil Remake, the lessened cast means MORE PAIN. It’s refreshing.
So, alright, spoiler alert: Chucky isn’t just some doll. He’s evil. He’s possessed by Charles Grodin, who is played by Bradley Dorff in a flashback sequence in which he reprises a character he played 30 years ago with a bad, Matt-Besser-Bong-Boy Wig. So he starts killing people. If you didn’t know that, you’re as dumb as my ex-wife, or her divorce lawyer, who is a former white collar criminal.
So this is what you see: Electrocution? YEP. Eye-stabbing? Totally. Jaw Dismemberment? BANANAS. Decapitation? Why not? There’s other stuff, too. This is what you don’t see: Gay Marriage. Black People (I don’t remember a single one in the whole flick). Venison. Extended Suspense Scenes Involving Soup— WAIT A SECOND, NEVERMIND.
Long story short, that fucking idiot Chucky is trying to kill those who wronged him in the past, and the CILF is #1 with a bullet. Apparently, Chucky helped forge her destiny and he’s back to finish the job. He’s not as rapey as the the last films, and he’s definitely more grounded, but at the same time, there’s humor in spades (once again, not black people or David Spade) and Mancini has definitely improved as a director of horror. Plus, there are a couple of awesome cameos that I won’t spoil for you, but the Wikipedia page or NYCC 2013 panel or probably IMDB will.
Essentially, Chucky is God in this movie. For real! The first people he intentionally kills are a couple of queers, and then he kills some ignorant asshole SKEPTIC. Hear that atheists? Go watch The Unborn again and let me know what you think about Mildred Cyprus on your forum. But yeah, and then when Chucky goes to kill a cripple, something he never intended to live in the first place, the GOVERNMENT shows up and OUTLAWS him. SOUNDS LIKE A DEITY I KNOW!
This is a great Chucky movie. You’ll love it. If you like sexual tension between a man who voices a doll and his hot daughter, you’ll go from six to midnight instantly. If you like bad one-liners, better prepare for hardcore cummage. If you’re my ex-wife, I hope bad things befall you, and I don’t care if that sounds like a threat. Send me to jail. Go for it.
See Curse of Chucky. See all the Chucky movies first, and then see this. It’s better than anything else in the world. Curse of Chucky is fine, untouched teenage pussy. Get up in its guts.