You Won Candy Corn: What To Do On HALLOWEEN


Our benevolent editor-lord won’t stop irritating me about writing something about Halloween for her quaint little website. Since I’m the master of having a good time, I offered to put together a list of suggestions for what you should be doing on the best night of the year, Halloween. If you don’t take any of my suggestions, you are a fool.


We talk about horror movies a lot. I think it’s why we’re friends, yes? There’s a million horror films and you can find them anywhere. You can find them on this list that Madeleine wrote and asked me to link. I’m like, a really good friend.

The Olsen Twins Halloween It Up: Double Double Toil and Trouble

We watched the Olsen Twins Halloween classic, Double Double Toil and Trouble the other night and it wasn’t as good as I remembered it from the VHS tape I wore down from watching over and over again as a child. So don’t watch that, especially because that tape doesn’t even work anymore.

Murder Party: Best Halloween

The movie that we agreed upon as the best low-budget Halloween-party-gone-wrong murder-movie is Jeremy Saulnier’s Murder Party. I watch it every year. You should too. It’s punny and cute and just really good.

The Witches: Absolutely Terrifying

Another suggestion: did you know The Witches fucking rules? Because I didn’t until I revisited it yesterday, and it does. Look at this crazy bitch. They don’t do shit like this anymore. I mean, look at her rad penis nose. And then, watch Angelica Huston quake with sexual ecstasy once she resumes her human form and turns a child into a mouse.


There’s lots of terrifying games you can play. You’ve probably played them. There’s Dead Space, Eternal Darkness, Resident Evils. You know?

Decay: The Mare, This Game Rules

I personally love point & click games, and I equally love my Xbox, so I highly recommend Decay, which is available on the indie games section of the Xbox Live marketplace. I see the makers of Decay just released a new game this month called Decay: The Mare which continues the story, and I’m going to pee myself out of excitement. Well, now I know what I’m doing tonight: cleaning up pee.

If you’re not an Xbox, and you don’t feel like paying for anything because you’re cheap and not currently being supported by a significantly older man with a perverse obsession with your parts, here’s a couple free games I’ve dug for PC. First, there’s 7Days, which is another pretty awesome point & click style adventure game, where there’s lots of bookshelves with ancient books. When you are playing something that moves so slowly, when a scary thing happens, it’s really startling.

Slender The Eight Pages Man

There’s also Slender, if you’re familiar with the Slenderman mythos, which I’m not. I hear this Slenderman stalks forests, whilst his two brothers went and opened a law firm by the name of Slenderman & Slenderman. I only know this because a friend of mine took Peter Slenderman as her date to this wedding of a grade school friend of ours and he spent the whole time hiding behind a flowerpot and god, what a bore he was.

If you want to spend a little, play Amnesia. It’s terrifying, and they don’t give you weapons to kill the things.


You can be a pretentious nerd and read the classics like Shelley’s Frankenstein or Stoker’s Dracula. Or you can be more interesting and go down a Frosty alt path: be a splatterpunk. Check out Skipp and Spector. I also highly recommend Skipp and Cody Goodfellow’s blasphemous Jake’s Wake, which is chock-full of weird, hot, violent sex and hot, sexy violence.

Jake's Wake, Have Sex With An Undead Cult Leader

For a more traumatizing mind-fuck, try Mark Z. Danielewski’s House Of Leaves. And there’s always the deliciously gothic Clive Barker, and I emphasize his Books of Blood anthology for some short and sweet Halloween tales.

And read this story! I don’t know why I’m obsessed with this retarded story. I like the part when their guts come out, and I also like the part where it stops trying to sound like a report on real events entirely. I make Cristopher read it to me every night and he completely detests it, it’s just great.


Just listen to this on repeat till the clock strikes midnight on October 31st please.

Aside from the musical gem I’ve just blessed you with, my personal favorite place to listen to Halloween music is a magical spooky place called Halloweentown on It’s this neat site where you join a chatroom where you can DJ music for everyone in the room to hear. It’s not as popular as it was last year, but if you come hang out with us, that will help.


There’s a lot of really good haunted houses. I really like haunted houses. I especially like ones that get intimate. Blackout is not exactly a haunted house, more like a fantasy rape-house. They throw you around in the dark and threaten to do the most terrible things to you. There’s even a safe word, but don’t be a wimp. Take it like a man.

Black Out Haunted House

You can also go to a stupid halloween party that your friends are throwing where you should probably partake in the next list item in order to make the event more bearable…


Gritty's Halloween Ale.

Three words: Gritty’s Halloween Ale. Beer is great, but this beer is made of Halloween. I don’t know how Gritty’s did it, but they fucking brewed and bottled Halloween. If you can hunt down a six pack of this, I want you to drink it all and start making up jingles about it with your Halloween buzz on. Record them and send them to me, I’m compiling an album of Gritty’s Halloween Ale jingles just for myself to rock out to while I’m drinking Halloween.

You can be a pussy and drink pumpkin beer too, but step it up a little, draw a face on the bottle, and drink jack-o-lantern beer instead. Let me demonstrate…

Drink Jack-o-Lantern Beer


If you do this, please Halloween email me about it. As I complied this list and you read it, I assume your Halloween lay was a result of my influence and I keep an archive of all the sex I’ve caused. Halloween thank you!

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